My 14th Non-Mothers Day

It's been so long since I've written anything on the blog. I never really had a plan for how often, or how consistently I would post. I only write when I really need to, and I REALLY need to write tonight.

I know I've said this before here, but this is my reminder that this is my"safe place", I can say how I feel on this subject without worry that I will be judged, or that it will be held against me. If you have not walked in these shoes you are incapable of knowing how you would feel, and if you have been unfortunate enough to have been in these shoes, then you know how it can be, and you are incapable of judging how I deal.

 

 

 

One would think I'd get used to this. The emptiness, the almost total devastation that always washes over me on this day. And the amazing thing is, Todd and I both considered today a success; I managed to actually acknowledge the occasion for my mother, though we did it Saturday, knowing it would not be realistic to try to do anything on the actual day of Mothers Day. It was nice, we had a little BBQ with my Mom, Grandmother, and brother. Then the real success happened when I actually was able to go to church today, and only cried through the first half, then I didn't scream, or throw anything, or cry and lay down simultaneously for the rest of the day. This may not seem like much to the average person, but for me, and many others in these shoes, Mothers Day may as well be called "Complete and Total Breakdown Day". I have these moments especially on this day, that I feel completely hopeless and alone. One of these moments happened at church this morning. As I sat in the middle of what felt like 10,000 mothers standing up to accept acknowledgment for being a mother and a little gift, I thought, "I am the ONLY woman in the world who has yet to produce a child, I really don't belong here, not even a little bit, not today!"  That was the moment I was about to stand up and go sit in the car for the rest of the service. Then, my awesome, loving, God-given friend Gena reached back and gave my leg a squeeze, and my husband, who never fails to love and support me even when he does not understand my hurt, put his arm around me, and I was reminded, God has a plan, He has a reason for this, and though I don't understand it now, and it breaks my heart, in time, I will know why it had to be like this. In the meantime God will not forsake me, He will send me what I need to get through this. Today, it was Todd, and the Mansfield Family, and a TON of prayers. 

It's strange to have these days that you see the same people around you, you see all the same things, the same trees, same houses in your neighborhood, etc, but it feels like you are in a different world. I perceive it as an "out of body" experience of sorts...... It's almost like you are invisible, you can see them, but they don't see you, at least, they can't see what you need. Several times throughout the last few days, I found myself fighting the urge to scream, "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Sometimes it feels like others are doing/saying things that are intended to be a comfort, but really, it just makes THEM feel better, it's all the same to me; just large quantities of salt in a wound that cannot heal. And it really does suck, I can't bring myself to just tell them to stop, and truth be told, if I did, I'd probably just breakdown and sob in my attempt, and I am not someone who ever feels that crying in front of others is an option, (thus, as you could imagine, it REALLY sucked sitting through probably half of our church service, with tears just streaming down my face today), but at the same time, I keep saying to myself, "why do I have to suffer through these attempts of comfort, don't people care at all how I feel?!"  I know it comes from a place of love, when someone you care about hurts, you want to make it better for them. The thing about this hurt, there's only 2 things that can help, you can give me a baby, or you can pray that I figure out how to live without one. It's been 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS! I can't believe it's been that long. And to think of the people who say, "I know how you feel, it took me 3 months to get pregnant". If you're one of those people, do us a favor, and just keep that to yourself. There's not a nice way for me to respond to that. There is NO way for that person to understand what it's like to feel like this for 14 years. That's 168 menstrual cycles, to hope, to wait, to pray and then to be devastated over. So seriously, if you were afraid after 3 months that you were having a problem getting pregnant, and then were relieved the following month to see that you were FINALLY carrying your little bundle of joy, I have some advice for you: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, THANK GOD FOR THEM, AND SHUT UP! 

 

 

With all of that being said, I know it sounds like I am just angry and bitter. I am trying very hard to not be bitter, but I have to vent it all, and this is my safe place to do that. As for the angry part, I am angry. Who WOULDN'T BE?! But, I trust God still. Sometimes I pray "God, you made a virgin pregnant with Jesus, why can't you just let me get pregnant with an average child?" And some might ask how I could feel that way, but still trust Him? The answer: He's God, He knows all things, He knows what's coming, He knows what's best for me, and our family. He's got a reason, and I love Him and Believe Him, thus I will trust Him. He does not make mistakes, He CANNOT make mistakes. It's the same thing as when you were a child..... you wanted to do things/go places your parents would not allow you to. You may have even thought you NEEDED something that they said you, in fact, did NOT need. You were mad, angry, may have gotten away with pouting and stomping around the house as a result of their decision. Looking back at (AT LEAST) most of those times, you would see that they had your best interest at heart. They loved you, wanted what was best for you, and stood in the way of anything that was less than the best for you. God is our father, if he's telling me no, I am POSITIVE it's because he's got a better plan than I do.

I will close this now, perhaps I will write more again in the next few days, or maybe we will just meet back here next "Mothers/Non-Mothers Day". 

Until next time, God Bless!

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:11-13