The Business of Miracles

Author: Nan

This will be another collection of random thoughts. 

Today we had a "going away" party for Nicole, the middle child. She has accepted a job in Nebraska, and as happy as I am to see her embark on this journey God is setting her on,  I really hate to see her go. Maria, the oldest, lives about 2 hours away from us, and that's a pretty good distance, as we can get to her place in a short time. But with Nicole, it would take 18 hours in normal conditions. I will miss her so very much, I hope she plans on skyping with me to help with the transition, lol. 

A few days ago, someone was placed in my life, in a new way. I have known this person, Joy, for quite a while, the first time I saw her was probably 13-14 years ago. I was aware that she had had difficulties conceiving, they had to do IVF to receive three little blessings. I never really thought that Joy might be interested in reading the blog, I guess I was thinking that she didn’t really give the subject much thought these days, assuming the sting of infertility had faded. As it turns out she’s been reading from nearly the beginning, (not like it’s been forever but still…). She still feels these things I write about. Not everyday, but as she reads she is reminded of this struggle. She says sometimes it’s real enough, that it makes her feel uncomfortable. I have chatted with her, off and on for 3 or 4 days, and just to know that she understands it, and yet is on “the other side” of this, gives me hope.

HOPE IS SCARY. IT CAN BE SO SCARY THAT IT’S ALMOST PARALYZING. Hope is a necessary thing to have to make it through this life intact, or nearly intact. I have found hope in Jesus; I know this life is not all there is. He has a place for me in Heaven. I know that whatever burdens I will have to carry in this life, I can do it, but only through Him, and the strength He gives me. I have found hope in my marriage; my husband supports and loves me through the most challenging stuff. Even when I am unlovable, enough so that even I recognize it, he loves me still, and simply waits quietly for me to come to my senses. I have found hope in a sunset; when I have a bad day, even when that bad day makes the top 10 of my bad days, I have hope, that the next morning the sun is going to rise; I will be given a chance to have a better day, or maybe it’ll be another bad day, and I will be given a chance to spend more time in God’s word, praying more, drawing closer to Jesus. Hope can be found in many things, and us humans need hope. But after 13+ years of trying to conceive, you get the feeling that it’s time to give up hope, to give up the dream of being somebody’s mommy. The problem with hope, in this case, it’s like Bruce Willis. This hope is DIE HARD. You can tell yourself to stop. Stop paying attention to what time of month it is during times of intimacy. Stop being hopeful when you’re period is not “on time”, and stop those tears even if it’s only a solitary, slow falling tear when you realize it didn’t happen yet again. I believe the phrase “Hope never dies”. I live it actually, even when it terrifies me. One might be reading this, thinking, “Yes Nan, it’s been more than a decade of trying, and failing; baby-making is obviously not something you’re good at. Just give up”. You see, I tell myself that daily, BUT then I am reminded of a simple, but INCREDIBLE fact: THE GOD I SERVE IS IN THE BUSINESS OF PERFORMING MIRACLES!  He’s never late, never early, never gives too much, never gives too little. He is perfect. WE may think something is too much, little, late, or early. That’s because we are going according to OUR schedule, OUR time. God does not abide by our rules. When, or IF He says it’s time, it will happen. Because I have faith in God, I have hope. And as hard as that can be, BECAUSE I have that faith in God, I know I can bear the weight of whatever happens.

Speaking of God’s miracles, I held one today. It was Thomas, the baby I referred to in my last entry. I never fail to be amazed at the wonderful smell of a baby, the feel of one in my arms. It is just awesome how they FIT so nicely.

I have been thinking about how other people have viewed me throughout the years. Was it suspected by most that I was unable to have children, or were there many that assumed I didn’t have any by choice? I don’t believe we mentioned the subject to anyone before we got married. At least, not to many. I remember right after we got married both of my sisters-in-law gave us some of their no longer needed baby items. There was a (beautiful) crib from one, and a car seat and high chair from the other. They mentioned something to the effect of “you’ll probably be needing this stuff soon”. They knew I wanted babies, I just don’t think they knew we had already been trying for years. At that time, I accepted those items with much joy and hopefulness. I had assumed at that time that because Todd and I had not been married, but knew that we should have been if we were going to be living together, that God had chosen to wait until we “made it right”, to bless us. Again, that hope was reignited. I had assumed I knew what God was thinking. I still don’t know what He’s thinking, but I do know He has a plan. I just have to wait for it to unfold.

So, tonight, I sit here with hope. Hope that it’s not too late for me, hope that there is still an option for me to become a mommy regardless of how that happens. Conception, adoption, surrogacy, I would gladly accept any of these methods. Surrogacy and adoption scare me, because they are never a “sure thing” but really, how many things in this world are? At the Going Away party, my “Sister-wife’s” dad was talking about an upcoming mission trip he’s going to be taking to an orphanage in Argentina. (Don’t ask about the sister-wife thing, it’ll be explained, probably in a near future blog. But to clarify for now, it’s a joke. Todd and I are monogamous, no plural marriage going on here.) The thought of trying to go with him crossed my mind, but really, I couldn’t handle that. All those babies and children, just needing a loving home, and me, in my barrenness, having to leave them all behind would be too much. Then the thought of it leading to an adoption crossed my mind. And I will wonder about this for days or weeks to come.

I’m going to close this, it’s getting a little late and I’m a bit tired. Have a good, blessed day everyone.

With Love,

Nan

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:11-13

Random Thoughts

Author: Nan

Oh wow. I have so much to say tonight, and I don’t even know how much of it has to do with infertility.

 We went to a family get together with our family tonight, for my Father-in-laws 80^th birthday. How I love those people! I have never disliked them, I’ve always been fond of them, but as time goes on, I seriously love them more and more! I feel so at home with them, when we are all together, I feel “ Ah, I’m at home with these people”. There was a time that I was afraid to talk when I was around them, as I was sure that if I opened my mouth, a long line of curse words would fall right out, spilling all over the floor, and then there’d be that awkward moment where I’d try to clean up the mess. In the last few years, I had mastered the ability to “PG myself” for a handful of hours. In the last 6 or so months since I have turned my life back over to the Lord, well, it’s been no effort on my part at all. I am a work in progress, and He sure has been busy with me! Lol.

Okay, on the subject of Todd’s (our) family; His cousin, I’m going to call her Evan for now, sent me a message on facebook yesterday, telling me how much she enjoyed reading the blog, getting to know me more through it, and said that she wished she would have known sooner of our infertility, so she could have known how to be more supportive and loving. Well, for starters, she has never been hurtful, or had any comments on the subject of me not having children. (I think that it’s possible that many people may have assumed that since Todd had 3 kids when we met, and was on the older side, that he was done, and I was fine with that, which is an acceptable assumption). So, anyways, though that message may not have been a big deal to her, it meant a great deal to me. For starters, it means that all kinds of people I care about are reading it, even the ones I don’t talk to very often. Just them reading it means a great deal to me. Every few days or so someone mentions the blog to me, either in person, or through a facebook message. Those words are so encouraging to me. It makes me feel like there is some benefit to this. That people who mean a lot in my life actually do care, and are in some way being supportive, even if it’s in a quite, almost from a distance way. The other thing that is happening, to me personally, as a result of the blog, is that I’m no longer “hiding’ it. Yup, I don’t have babies, and that hurts sometimes. The subject of the blog, or infertility never came up tonight during the birthday party, but I felt less “alone” in it. Usually, and for years I felt this way, when we are having a get together and there are babies there, I felt like I had to just be like “oh, a baby, big deal. No, I don’t need to hold him.” I felt like I had to act like it was no big deal. Nobody else ever made me feel this way, it was all my doing. But I was afraid that if I made a big deal over the baby, either I would show a “sign of my wistfulness”, or even show a little emotion. That was never an option for me, it would mean letting someone in. It would mean revealing a vulnerability; not my strong suit. I always felt I had to be everyone’s “rock”, of sorts. I have been in the position, either through my own doing, or others, to be “the strong one”. I have been referred to as the “hard-hearted” one, or the “B***h”. I had to be those things at times, to protect either myself, or others. But really, I’m not any of those when it comes down to it. I’m human. The same things that hurt other people, hurt me as well. My feelings get hurt over simple words, I have bad days, like anyone else. When there is a death, or crisis in the family, or close friends, I am just as broken as the next person. Only difference is, I’ve been expected to be the “hard-shelled” person in so many instances, for so long, I don’t know how to be anything else when the crap hits the fan. This isn’t really the case with Todd’s family, but I have had a hard time saying to anyone, “I’m not able to have babies, and that hurts a whole lot”. When I “went public” with it, it really lifted a weight from me. I no longer have to pretend like it’s all ok. As I was hogging the baby (I’ll call him “Thomas”) tonight, there was a moment that I thought to myself, “Some of them might be thinking right now that I am feeling “wistful”, or somewhat envious”. If so, they were right. And really, that’s ok now. This is me. I can’t change the way I am, or the way I feel. When I see or hold babies, I wish I could have one. I imagine what it would be if that baby were mine. I know that I am destined to love various babies in my life, sometimes for short periods of time, probably never to keep, or call my own. It’s not a pity-party, it’s a fact. And a few select people in my life really get it, either by having been there themselves, or by loving me enough to try their hardest to get it. And many of those people love me enough to share their babies with me, for whatever time they can. They know and trust me enough, to know that I know what I’m doing when it comes to babies, and that I love them enough to take good care of them. (I just said “enough” a lot, I know, lol.) My point is, this sucks sometimes, it hurts more than I can say sometimes, now they know that, and that’s ok. It’s really Ok. I don’t have to hide the “suck factor” anymore. It can even be talked about. WHEW! That feels pretty powerful to me. Even if we NEVER talk about it, it’s an option now. It’s like airing the skeletons in the closet. And man, did they ever stink!

 Ok, on a related subject…. The cause of my infertility is PCOS, Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I think most people have heard of it. We produce multiple ovarian cysts, (sometimes they do burst, which sucks a lot), in most cases, we don’t ovulate, and the cause of all of it is a hormonal imbalance, producing an excess of progesterone. Progesterone, in case you didn’t know, is the male hormone responsible for men’s facial hair. The point I’m getting to here is: If I didn’t shave, I would have a beard that most men would be jealous of. Some already know this, most do not. I’m sure people have noticed it, and just been gracious enough to not mention it. This has been THE BIGGEST source of embarrassment for me. I know it’s not something I can control, but come on…. Women should NOT have a beard! So, I shave. It’s gotten worse as the years go on, so much so that I have to shave daily, if I plan to leave the house, or if I’m going to be seeing anyone who does not live in this house. There you have it, Nan has a beard. Rather, I would, if not for the invention of the razor. Haha. Go laugh about it, cause I’m getting to where I do, most days anyways. If you see it, please don’t just pretend it’s not there. If it’s very noticeable, that means that either I was in a hurry, and forgot, in which case, I’d like to be reminded about it, so that I can take care of it, if possible. The other option is, I feel comfortable enough around you to not be super-uber paranoid about it.

Okay, the last subject I’d like to mention tonight… It has come to my attention that some people, (I don’t know how many, or who precisely) are reading this blog simply as a source of entertainment. Jokes are being told, and laughs being had, at the expense of Paula and myself. For starters, SHAME ON YOU! That you would take some kind of…. What, JOY? Comfort, in our heartaches. The most difficult thing that we will (possibly) ever deal with in our lives?! That is disgusting, and you really should be ashamed at yourselves. I’ll remember to pray for you. You might get more prayers from me than the people I know and love, because honestly, there’s a little something wrong with you. God still loves you, that’s what makes Him so awesome. The average human might want to slap you, but God loves you. With that being said.. READ ON! I have nothing to hide, I am not ashamed of what I write here. I may not always be proud of some of my feelings and thoughts. I am not ashamed of Paula’s thoughts, feelings or choices. I know that specifically, Paula’s daughter’s conception has been the subject of these jokes. Again I say SHAME ON YOU!!! You may not understand it, you may think it’s wrong, you may think it’s crazy, etc. Unless you have been in these shoes we wear everyday, you have not earned the right to judge anyone. Does it take a very desperate person to not only allow, but ask her husband to have sex with another woman, for the purpose of impregnating her? Sure does. Does it sound crazy? A little bit. Is it sad? Most definitely. Like I said, it sounds desperate; that’s because it is. This need we have to be mommy’s, there is not much we would not do to have it fulfilled. My line is drawn JUST this side of Todd impregnating another woman, that’s me that I speak for. We are all different. Has it crossed my mind? Sure has. If you still feel the need to read, and make jokes, GO FOR IT. Just be brave enough to make your comments TO us. You can comment on the blog, or feel free to facebook us, I can be found on facebook as “Nan Dineen (Nancy)” We are being “brave enough” to put our deepest, darkest, closest thoughts, wishes, and heartaches out there for anyone to read. We don’t hold back, we don’t make excuses. If there is a chance that anyone could derive any kind or amount of comfort during their bad times, it is worth it. I will end with a simple question for you…. Would YOU be willing to make public your most devastating issues, whether they were the result of your own doing or not? We ALL have something, some kind of baggage. Ours happens to be infertility. Think of what yours is, and then consider sharing it, (with 1400+ people at this time) on the internet?? We are attempting to make this easier to live with, for ourselves, and for others that deal with the same issues. PLEASE, let US know what you have to say, so I can add a name to the prayers I’ll be saying for you.

With Love,

Nan

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:11-13

Ignorance

Author: Paula

I have recently found out that people are reading our blog just to be nosy.  I don't really care, except for the fact that people are gossiping about our stories.  I have seen a message where one is questioning the fact that my daughter is MY daughter.  Well, what some may not recognize is that Danielle Olivia was created by the love of Joe and I.  No one else!  

If you have taken the time to read my story, and understand that pain and heartache that Joe, Punk, and I have endured, you might be a little more understanding if you actually SAW it.  You do not live behind my doors and live my life.  I would like for a few people (yes, the bio especially) to walk a day in my shoes.  I bet you wouldn't make it!  Knowing that I have to let MY daughter go every time she is here and has to leave (and there is NOTHING I can do about it) is heart wrenching!  Not only for me, but for her and her Daddy too.  

When I tell Punk that it is nearly time to go, she shuts the blind on the door so she can give her us love so that she is not seen.  If she is seen she will get in trouble because I am 'fat and disgusting'.  Knowing that her Dad and I are talked about in front of her is WRONG.  Telling a little girl that she cannot give love to her 'step-mom' is just absurd.  Be grateful that I love her rather than treating her how most 'step' parents do!  

I cannot go into any more detail than that, but there is so much more to the story that I cannot share because of who is reading.  All I do is ask that you try to imagine being in my shoes before you judge or go gossiping.  Know the facts.  Ask me if you are not sure!  Again, I will end with a prayer.  

Dear Lord I ask that you give those reading this blog an open mind and open heart.  Help them to understand our stories and not judge.  God, please help those that have hurt others.  Be with them in heart and soul.  Allow them forgiveness as much as it may hurt to ask.  Dear Lord I ask that you be with those who suffer because you have chosen to not bless their lives with a child.  Give those that have been able to conceive the ability to love unconditionally.  In Jesus name I pray,  Amen.  

Weird Days

 Author: Nan

I wrote this last night, but didn't get around to posting it til today.

      

To start, I apologize to those who may have been following the blog on a bit of a regular basis for my recent neglect regarding new posts. We have run into some financial troubles lately, and one of the victims of that has been our internet access at home.

     The last few days have been a little weird for me, mentally. May 30 was my niece’s 1^st birthday, and it bummed me out a bit. Back in October she came to stay with us (her mom lives in Louisiana), for about 2 months. In that time, I was surprised that I grew to love her even more than I already had. I was pretty much her primary caregiver, and when she left, I found myself at one of the lowest points in my life thus far. So, on her first birthday, I was celebrating her first year in this world from afar, but feeling pretty lonely for her, wishing I could be with her on that special day.

     Then today (yesterday, if you consider it’s after midnight now), pregnant cousin got married. I have no ill feelings toward her personally, but, well, since she’s pregnant, I have a hard time with that sometimes. I was waiting until the day came to be able to decide to go to the wedding, because I didn’t want to say yes if I didn’t feel up to it. As it turned out, I wasn’t up to it. I know I probably look like a jerk to some, but what would I have looked like if I spent the day in the bathroom crying, or was overheard whispering to Todd that I just wanted to kick someone? I feel terrible for it, and I always feel like I should apologize for feeling this way, even when nobody knows I’m feeling like this. Paula and I have this little “joke”, when referring to a pregnant woman, we say, “I kinda wanted to kick her”. It’s not meant to be “FUNNY” per se, and if given a chance, I KNOW that neither one of us would EVER do it, but there is this complex mix of emotions that you are overcome with when you see a pregnant woman, there’s anger (the kind that makes you see red, and hear ringing in your ears), there’s jealousy, there’s just this profound sadness, that really cannot be described with words. All of these negative feelings, and on the heels of all this, comes guilt. Guilt, because there’s this feeling that we should be overwhelmed with joy for them, it’s just not possible sometimes. I know that sounds terrible, it feels pretty bad too, if that makes you feel any better. It’s not that we would take away their gift if it was possible, but we are just destroyed that we can’t have it too. All you have to do to see an example of people who should not be able to have kids is to watch the evening news on most days. Babies thrown away in dumpsters, abused, neglected, or murdered. Literally, people are throwing away babies, while we sit here begging, praying, pleading, wishing to no end that we could have one of those dumpster babies. You hear about the rather famous family that has what, 19, 20 kids now, and I just want to SCREAM, “ALL I WANT IS ONE!!!!!!!!” I try not to question God about this, because I do know that He has a plan, and this must be part of it, but honestly, it can be so hard to keep trusting in that when these thoughts and feelings come flooding in. I don’t often ask Him WHY there have been no babies for me; mostly just why do I have such a strong desire to be a mommy, if that was not to be? As a little girl, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always the same, “I’M GOING TO BE A MOMMY” HA! Was I ever wrong! I never wavered; I never thought that I wanted a career instead. President, veterinarian, lawyer, doctor, those things were never a consideration. The most amazing “destiny” I imagined was to be called someone’s mommy. So some days, I do get angry. I feel as though my life to this point has been a waste, that one thing I was banking on, the only thing I had considered, just has not panned out. I often ask myself “what now?” I always come up empty. I don’t know how to transition from this person into something else. How do I just GIVE UP?! Paula recently asked when the jealousy ends. Though I hate to call it that, I can’t think of another word to describe it. My answer to her question though, I’m afraid at this point that it never does. We will be “OKAY” with infertility when we learn how to change our DNA. For myself, I just hope to look forward to a day when I no longer feel that (very brief) urge to kick a pregnant woman. I think there have only been 2 exceptions to this, my sister-in-law when she was pregnant with my niece, because I already loved said niece more than my own life. And another niece, (this one through marriage), I’ll call her “Lyn”. I don’t really understand this one. I think it’s because of how much I have grown to love her in the last 5 or 6 years, and because she does an amazing job at understanding my feelings. I don’t think of her so much as my niece, (partly because she’s actually a little older than I am), but possibly more as a great friend.

     As I read what I have already written, I fear that if certain family members were to read this, they would be offended. If that’s the case, let me assure you, I DO NOT REALLY want to kick anyone, and would never do it. Nothing in here is meant to be a “personal attack”, I am simply airing my deepest secrets. This blog was started for me, simply for the purpose of being able to have a “safe place” to use as my outlet. As it turns out, people are reading it; hopefully some of them are being helped by it. It would be a lie and an inaccurate account if all I said were happy, cheerful things, like life as an infertile person is all about rainbows and butterflies. I asked Todd how it sounded, and if I should remove some of the statements for the sake of others. He says, “Nope, if they don’t like how you feel, they ought to be grateful they don’t feel that way, and go read another blog, because this one isn’t for them”. So, I mean no harm, I’m not trying to be malicious, only honest. I’m not always proud of the way I feel, I try to control these feelings, and pray God forgives me for them. I’m human, not perfect.

     I am going to bring this post to a close. It is a bit late, and I’m going to take advantage of the opportunity to snuggle with my AMAZING HUBBY, since he’s home tonight. 

 With Love,

~Nan  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:11-13