Weird Days

 Author: Nan

I wrote this last night, but didn't get around to posting it til today.

      

To start, I apologize to those who may have been following the blog on a bit of a regular basis for my recent neglect regarding new posts. We have run into some financial troubles lately, and one of the victims of that has been our internet access at home.

     The last few days have been a little weird for me, mentally. May 30 was my niece’s 1^st birthday, and it bummed me out a bit. Back in October she came to stay with us (her mom lives in Louisiana), for about 2 months. In that time, I was surprised that I grew to love her even more than I already had. I was pretty much her primary caregiver, and when she left, I found myself at one of the lowest points in my life thus far. So, on her first birthday, I was celebrating her first year in this world from afar, but feeling pretty lonely for her, wishing I could be with her on that special day.

     Then today (yesterday, if you consider it’s after midnight now), pregnant cousin got married. I have no ill feelings toward her personally, but, well, since she’s pregnant, I have a hard time with that sometimes. I was waiting until the day came to be able to decide to go to the wedding, because I didn’t want to say yes if I didn’t feel up to it. As it turned out, I wasn’t up to it. I know I probably look like a jerk to some, but what would I have looked like if I spent the day in the bathroom crying, or was overheard whispering to Todd that I just wanted to kick someone? I feel terrible for it, and I always feel like I should apologize for feeling this way, even when nobody knows I’m feeling like this. Paula and I have this little “joke”, when referring to a pregnant woman, we say, “I kinda wanted to kick her”. It’s not meant to be “FUNNY” per se, and if given a chance, I KNOW that neither one of us would EVER do it, but there is this complex mix of emotions that you are overcome with when you see a pregnant woman, there’s anger (the kind that makes you see red, and hear ringing in your ears), there’s jealousy, there’s just this profound sadness, that really cannot be described with words. All of these negative feelings, and on the heels of all this, comes guilt. Guilt, because there’s this feeling that we should be overwhelmed with joy for them, it’s just not possible sometimes. I know that sounds terrible, it feels pretty bad too, if that makes you feel any better. It’s not that we would take away their gift if it was possible, but we are just destroyed that we can’t have it too. All you have to do to see an example of people who should not be able to have kids is to watch the evening news on most days. Babies thrown away in dumpsters, abused, neglected, or murdered. Literally, people are throwing away babies, while we sit here begging, praying, pleading, wishing to no end that we could have one of those dumpster babies. You hear about the rather famous family that has what, 19, 20 kids now, and I just want to SCREAM, “ALL I WANT IS ONE!!!!!!!!” I try not to question God about this, because I do know that He has a plan, and this must be part of it, but honestly, it can be so hard to keep trusting in that when these thoughts and feelings come flooding in. I don’t often ask Him WHY there have been no babies for me; mostly just why do I have such a strong desire to be a mommy, if that was not to be? As a little girl, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always the same, “I’M GOING TO BE A MOMMY” HA! Was I ever wrong! I never wavered; I never thought that I wanted a career instead. President, veterinarian, lawyer, doctor, those things were never a consideration. The most amazing “destiny” I imagined was to be called someone’s mommy. So some days, I do get angry. I feel as though my life to this point has been a waste, that one thing I was banking on, the only thing I had considered, just has not panned out. I often ask myself “what now?” I always come up empty. I don’t know how to transition from this person into something else. How do I just GIVE UP?! Paula recently asked when the jealousy ends. Though I hate to call it that, I can’t think of another word to describe it. My answer to her question though, I’m afraid at this point that it never does. We will be “OKAY” with infertility when we learn how to change our DNA. For myself, I just hope to look forward to a day when I no longer feel that (very brief) urge to kick a pregnant woman. I think there have only been 2 exceptions to this, my sister-in-law when she was pregnant with my niece, because I already loved said niece more than my own life. And another niece, (this one through marriage), I’ll call her “Lyn”. I don’t really understand this one. I think it’s because of how much I have grown to love her in the last 5 or 6 years, and because she does an amazing job at understanding my feelings. I don’t think of her so much as my niece, (partly because she’s actually a little older than I am), but possibly more as a great friend.

     As I read what I have already written, I fear that if certain family members were to read this, they would be offended. If that’s the case, let me assure you, I DO NOT REALLY want to kick anyone, and would never do it. Nothing in here is meant to be a “personal attack”, I am simply airing my deepest secrets. This blog was started for me, simply for the purpose of being able to have a “safe place” to use as my outlet. As it turns out, people are reading it; hopefully some of them are being helped by it. It would be a lie and an inaccurate account if all I said were happy, cheerful things, like life as an infertile person is all about rainbows and butterflies. I asked Todd how it sounded, and if I should remove some of the statements for the sake of others. He says, “Nope, if they don’t like how you feel, they ought to be grateful they don’t feel that way, and go read another blog, because this one isn’t for them”. So, I mean no harm, I’m not trying to be malicious, only honest. I’m not always proud of the way I feel, I try to control these feelings, and pray God forgives me for them. I’m human, not perfect.

     I am going to bring this post to a close. It is a bit late, and I’m going to take advantage of the opportunity to snuggle with my AMAZING HUBBY, since he’s home tonight. 

 With Love,

~Nan  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:11-13