Random Thoughts

Author: Nan

Oh wow. I have so much to say tonight, and I don’t even know how much of it has to do with infertility.

 We went to a family get together with our family tonight, for my Father-in-laws 80^th birthday. How I love those people! I have never disliked them, I’ve always been fond of them, but as time goes on, I seriously love them more and more! I feel so at home with them, when we are all together, I feel “ Ah, I’m at home with these people”. There was a time that I was afraid to talk when I was around them, as I was sure that if I opened my mouth, a long line of curse words would fall right out, spilling all over the floor, and then there’d be that awkward moment where I’d try to clean up the mess. In the last few years, I had mastered the ability to “PG myself” for a handful of hours. In the last 6 or so months since I have turned my life back over to the Lord, well, it’s been no effort on my part at all. I am a work in progress, and He sure has been busy with me! Lol.

Okay, on the subject of Todd’s (our) family; His cousin, I’m going to call her Evan for now, sent me a message on facebook yesterday, telling me how much she enjoyed reading the blog, getting to know me more through it, and said that she wished she would have known sooner of our infertility, so she could have known how to be more supportive and loving. Well, for starters, she has never been hurtful, or had any comments on the subject of me not having children. (I think that it’s possible that many people may have assumed that since Todd had 3 kids when we met, and was on the older side, that he was done, and I was fine with that, which is an acceptable assumption). So, anyways, though that message may not have been a big deal to her, it meant a great deal to me. For starters, it means that all kinds of people I care about are reading it, even the ones I don’t talk to very often. Just them reading it means a great deal to me. Every few days or so someone mentions the blog to me, either in person, or through a facebook message. Those words are so encouraging to me. It makes me feel like there is some benefit to this. That people who mean a lot in my life actually do care, and are in some way being supportive, even if it’s in a quite, almost from a distance way. The other thing that is happening, to me personally, as a result of the blog, is that I’m no longer “hiding’ it. Yup, I don’t have babies, and that hurts sometimes. The subject of the blog, or infertility never came up tonight during the birthday party, but I felt less “alone” in it. Usually, and for years I felt this way, when we are having a get together and there are babies there, I felt like I had to just be like “oh, a baby, big deal. No, I don’t need to hold him.” I felt like I had to act like it was no big deal. Nobody else ever made me feel this way, it was all my doing. But I was afraid that if I made a big deal over the baby, either I would show a “sign of my wistfulness”, or even show a little emotion. That was never an option for me, it would mean letting someone in. It would mean revealing a vulnerability; not my strong suit. I always felt I had to be everyone’s “rock”, of sorts. I have been in the position, either through my own doing, or others, to be “the strong one”. I have been referred to as the “hard-hearted” one, or the “B***h”. I had to be those things at times, to protect either myself, or others. But really, I’m not any of those when it comes down to it. I’m human. The same things that hurt other people, hurt me as well. My feelings get hurt over simple words, I have bad days, like anyone else. When there is a death, or crisis in the family, or close friends, I am just as broken as the next person. Only difference is, I’ve been expected to be the “hard-shelled” person in so many instances, for so long, I don’t know how to be anything else when the crap hits the fan. This isn’t really the case with Todd’s family, but I have had a hard time saying to anyone, “I’m not able to have babies, and that hurts a whole lot”. When I “went public” with it, it really lifted a weight from me. I no longer have to pretend like it’s all ok. As I was hogging the baby (I’ll call him “Thomas”) tonight, there was a moment that I thought to myself, “Some of them might be thinking right now that I am feeling “wistful”, or somewhat envious”. If so, they were right. And really, that’s ok now. This is me. I can’t change the way I am, or the way I feel. When I see or hold babies, I wish I could have one. I imagine what it would be if that baby were mine. I know that I am destined to love various babies in my life, sometimes for short periods of time, probably never to keep, or call my own. It’s not a pity-party, it’s a fact. And a few select people in my life really get it, either by having been there themselves, or by loving me enough to try their hardest to get it. And many of those people love me enough to share their babies with me, for whatever time they can. They know and trust me enough, to know that I know what I’m doing when it comes to babies, and that I love them enough to take good care of them. (I just said “enough” a lot, I know, lol.) My point is, this sucks sometimes, it hurts more than I can say sometimes, now they know that, and that’s ok. It’s really Ok. I don’t have to hide the “suck factor” anymore. It can even be talked about. WHEW! That feels pretty powerful to me. Even if we NEVER talk about it, it’s an option now. It’s like airing the skeletons in the closet. And man, did they ever stink!

 Ok, on a related subject…. The cause of my infertility is PCOS, Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I think most people have heard of it. We produce multiple ovarian cysts, (sometimes they do burst, which sucks a lot), in most cases, we don’t ovulate, and the cause of all of it is a hormonal imbalance, producing an excess of progesterone. Progesterone, in case you didn’t know, is the male hormone responsible for men’s facial hair. The point I’m getting to here is: If I didn’t shave, I would have a beard that most men would be jealous of. Some already know this, most do not. I’m sure people have noticed it, and just been gracious enough to not mention it. This has been THE BIGGEST source of embarrassment for me. I know it’s not something I can control, but come on…. Women should NOT have a beard! So, I shave. It’s gotten worse as the years go on, so much so that I have to shave daily, if I plan to leave the house, or if I’m going to be seeing anyone who does not live in this house. There you have it, Nan has a beard. Rather, I would, if not for the invention of the razor. Haha. Go laugh about it, cause I’m getting to where I do, most days anyways. If you see it, please don’t just pretend it’s not there. If it’s very noticeable, that means that either I was in a hurry, and forgot, in which case, I’d like to be reminded about it, so that I can take care of it, if possible. The other option is, I feel comfortable enough around you to not be super-uber paranoid about it.

Okay, the last subject I’d like to mention tonight… It has come to my attention that some people, (I don’t know how many, or who precisely) are reading this blog simply as a source of entertainment. Jokes are being told, and laughs being had, at the expense of Paula and myself. For starters, SHAME ON YOU! That you would take some kind of…. What, JOY? Comfort, in our heartaches. The most difficult thing that we will (possibly) ever deal with in our lives?! That is disgusting, and you really should be ashamed at yourselves. I’ll remember to pray for you. You might get more prayers from me than the people I know and love, because honestly, there’s a little something wrong with you. God still loves you, that’s what makes Him so awesome. The average human might want to slap you, but God loves you. With that being said.. READ ON! I have nothing to hide, I am not ashamed of what I write here. I may not always be proud of some of my feelings and thoughts. I am not ashamed of Paula’s thoughts, feelings or choices. I know that specifically, Paula’s daughter’s conception has been the subject of these jokes. Again I say SHAME ON YOU!!! You may not understand it, you may think it’s wrong, you may think it’s crazy, etc. Unless you have been in these shoes we wear everyday, you have not earned the right to judge anyone. Does it take a very desperate person to not only allow, but ask her husband to have sex with another woman, for the purpose of impregnating her? Sure does. Does it sound crazy? A little bit. Is it sad? Most definitely. Like I said, it sounds desperate; that’s because it is. This need we have to be mommy’s, there is not much we would not do to have it fulfilled. My line is drawn JUST this side of Todd impregnating another woman, that’s me that I speak for. We are all different. Has it crossed my mind? Sure has. If you still feel the need to read, and make jokes, GO FOR IT. Just be brave enough to make your comments TO us. You can comment on the blog, or feel free to facebook us, I can be found on facebook as “Nan Dineen (Nancy)” We are being “brave enough” to put our deepest, darkest, closest thoughts, wishes, and heartaches out there for anyone to read. We don’t hold back, we don’t make excuses. If there is a chance that anyone could derive any kind or amount of comfort during their bad times, it is worth it. I will end with a simple question for you…. Would YOU be willing to make public your most devastating issues, whether they were the result of your own doing or not? We ALL have something, some kind of baggage. Ours happens to be infertility. Think of what yours is, and then consider sharing it, (with 1400+ people at this time) on the internet?? We are attempting to make this easier to live with, for ourselves, and for others that deal with the same issues. PLEASE, let US know what you have to say, so I can add a name to the prayers I’ll be saying for you.

With Love,

Nan

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:11-13