My relationship with Punk

Author: Paula

As you all know, I have a step-daughter.  Her name is Danielle but you will see me refer to her as 'Punk' (nickname).  Although I cannot have children of my own, I do have some of the void filled by Punk.  As I wrote in my original post, Danielle was meant for my husband and I, not for her bio.  However, the relationship that I have with Punk is unique.  She IS my daughter!  She calls me 'Mom, Mama, and Mommy (sometimes, she is growing out of Mommy).  I love her with every fiber of my being and would walk to the end of the earth for her.  

She is learning the situation with her bio and her Dad an I.  She was initially told by her bio when she was nearly 6 years old.  Joe and I thought that was a little young, but she is wise beyond her years.  She understood to an extent and did not hesitate to ask me questions.  Unfortunately she does not have an open relationship with her bio (don't get me wrong... I love that she confides in me and not her bio).  I then tried my best to explain the situation to her in a way that she would understand.  

Punk does not hesitate to talk to me openly.  Often times she does not even want her Dad to hear and will stop talking when he comes into the room.  She will tell me about the boys at school that she likes, who was being naughty at school, who she likes, who she doesn't, and all about what happens at her 'other house'.  It is hard for me to hear some of the things that she tells me because there is nothing I can do to make the situation better.  

Just because she is in my life, it does not take away the fact that I still have a deep desire to have a child of my own.  Like I said, she helps fill the void, but I still feel empty inside.  I yearn to give Joe a child we can call 'ours'.  Danielle is only my step-daughter, yet I treat her as my own.  Punk does know that I had twins and that I cannot have babies because my 'girl parts' are gone.  I'm sure this is somewhat difficult for her to understand, but I do NOT want to keep anything from her and have her in the future question my honesty.  Needless to say, I do still yearn for a child.  

I do not think the feelings ever go away.  I am sure that I could have five more step-children or adopted kids and still have those feelings.  Adoption was never an option for us because of the outrageous cost associated with it.  The way we created Punk was the only option.  I guess I am like all over the place with this post so I am just going to stop here.  I just want to say that I think it is normal to feel the way we feel and that it will never go away.  Happy blogging.  Much love!  

My Step-Daughters, AKA, My "Half-Kids"

Author: Nan

I've gone on and on in several posts about how I long to be a mom, I think it's time to "introduce" you to the children I HAVE been blessed to have in my life. 

I am changing their names, as I'm not sure that they want to be named in this blog. I understand that it is my desire to share some of the more personal details of my life, but that the other people in my life may not wish to have their identities revealed. Unless otherwise noted, myself and Todd are the only people who I will specifically name. 

From oldest to youngest, we have Maria, Nicole, and Josephine (Jo). Maria was 9 when I met her, Nicole was 6, and Jo was 4. 

Maria.  Ohhhhhh Maria! The first many years with Maria were, at times, ah, shall we say challenging...? She is, and was at that age, a very stubborn girl. She knew what she wanted, what she believed, and could not be moved. I believe many of the issues we had were simply due to the fact that I was just 8 years older than her. Yup, I was 17 years old, in case you were planning to do the math.  ;)   There were times with Maria when I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew. Honestly, she could be a little mouthy at times, and could be rather vocal about preferring to not have me in her life. To make matters worse, (for her, that is) her mother and I got along very well, and we would discuss some of the issues as they came up, or her little sisters would report to her mom something she had said or done, and her mom would demand she apologize to me. How frustrating that must have been for her, to have a mother who expected her children to show respect to their father's significant other, and ENFORCED it?! To her mother, I will be forever grateful for that, as I don't know if we could have survived those early years without your calm, and yet stern support. And also, much to Maria's surprise to learn this many years later, her mother and I worked together one weekend to perform what I might call a "sting operation". You see, Maria was bringing a certain CD of a rap "artist" to our house on the weekends to listen to, and would hide it in a certain pocket of her book bag. This music was about as vulgar and inappropriate as it can get. She knew she would be ABSOLUTELY forbidden from listening to it. So I called "Eileen" over the weekend, advised her of what was going on, and told her where she could find said CD when the children returned home. In the meantime, she was looking around in Maria's bedroom, to see if she could find anything else this child was hiding. She hit the jackpot! Maria tried so hard to cover herself as well as she could. She had drawn up "contracts" for Nicole and Jo to sign, that they would not tell on her. Thus, all of them were punished. Now, my HOPE is that you laughed at that little story, and did not think badly of her. Really, it was ingenious! Or WOULD have been, if she had made her mean old step mom sign a contract as well. These days, and for quite a few years now, Maria and I get along VERY well, in fact, I've "accidentally" spent nearly 2 1/2 hours on the phone with her today. She is now (almost) 25 years old, just landed a fantastic job about 6 months ago, has an apartment of her own, and is a perfectly well adjusted, beautiful young lady (with a few gray hairs already, HAHA!)  She shows a personal strength, and a very strong faith in God in all things, that I can only hope to have a fraction of some day. I LOVE YOU "MARIYOKO", MORE THAN I CAN SAY AND AM SOOOO PROUD TO SAY I HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE!  (Don't tell your sisters, but YOU are my favorite!)

Okay, now we have Nicole. She might be a difficult one to provide a story for, as she is soooo easy going, so much like her dad, that she has been accused of being my favorite on numerous occasions. She's always been my "snuggle bug". Some of my favorite memories of her were all the weekends their Dad worked early in the morning. She NEVER let his side of the bed get cold, as she would come in and crawl in bed and go back to sleep with me for a few more hours. She is about as quiet as can be, and yet so funny. She will surprise you with some of the silliest things, at the most unexpected moments. Recently, she favors the word "Awkward". Even when, or maybe mostly when, it does not apply. And every single time, it gets a laugh out of me. Okay, a little story on Nicole.... Todd and I had just bought a car. It was used, but not in terrible shape, and I spent ALLLL day Friday cleaning it, inside and out. I told him and the kids that when we had drinks in the car, I'd like them to be in a water bottle, or something with a lid. Well, Saturday we go for a ride someplace, and going around the first corner, I hear a cup fall over, and Nicole says, "Uh-oh Daddy, it happened!" I was so frustrated, I picked it up, and threw it out the window. This child, she starts sobbing, saying, "That was my favorite cup, you knew that. Why did you throw it out the window?!" (We were at a stop sign when I threw it, and were still sitting there while she cried). I tried to explain to her that I had worked hard to clean the car, and that they knew I didn't want "spillable" cups in the car. But this CHILD! She just looked at me, with these big, heartbroken tears over a 99 cent cup that we had more of at home! I got out and got the cup for her, after I emptied it in the grass. Yes, I gave in, but if YOU had seen these tears, you would have done the same thing. Nicole is now an amazingly gentle, all grown up young lady herself. She still gives me the most hugs and snuggles, often times at just the moment I need it the most, but not usually even knowing that. NICOLE, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW, AND WILL ALWAYS TREASURE THOSE EARLY MORNING SNUGGLES, YOU HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING THIS THEN, BUT MANY OF THOSE WEEKENDS I NEEDED THAT MORE THAN EVEN I KNEW. (Don't tell anyone, but they were right all along, you ARE my favorite!)

Last, but definitely not least, we have Jo. When she was little, until about 10 years old or so, she had this high pitched, but very cute voice. And maaaaan, did she ever talk a lot! There were times, quite a few times in those early years actually, I'd be working in the kitchen, and she'd just sit there and chatter away. With that high pitched voice. For days on end, (or so it seemed sometimes). I would try to ask her NICELY to be quiet for just a few minutes, when that wouldn't work, I'd resort to telling her that her Dad was calling for her, or even, I admit, bribery. I believe she'd get 50 cents to go sit in the living room for 5 minutes, lol. One of the stories that stands out about Jo for me, will reveal some of her soft gooey heart that she sometimes tries so hard to hide. Christmas shopping with the kids, when Jo was about 10 or 11 years old. Todd and I were not able to get more than just a few gifts for each child that year, and the kids had some money that they wanted to use to buy gifts for their parents, and "half-parents". They had gotten 2 for each of us, but Jo INSISTED it was not enough! She was near tears, saying she wanted to do more for all of us. And here I'm thinking, "Man, this child is going to feel so gypped by us on Christmas morning!" She would not stop saying how it was not enough, so I told her finally, "Ya know Jo, it's not about getting the gifts, we are all going to feel very loved on Christmas morning when we see what you chose to buy for us. And Dad and I can't do much this year for you guys, so really, it's okay." Her reply was, "THAT"S why it's okay that you can't do a lot this year, I don't care if you don't get me ANYTHING, but I want to GIVE you more, because I want you to feel more loved." Yup, middle of wal-mart, this child made me cry. Like, had to walk away to cry kind of cry. That Christmas, (and the one where the Christmas tree fell on Jo and I on Christmas morning) are my most memorable in all of my life. JO, I KNOW WHAT'S IN THAT HEART OF YOURS, AND IT'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL THING. I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE TO ME, AND HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE YOU, ALL THE WAY TO RACK-N-SHACK AND BACK! (Keep this between the two of us, but YOU are my favorite!)

  

I may not have the children I thought I would at this point in my life, BUT, I DO have some pretty incredible kids in my life. These "kids" (they're all just about completely grown up already!) are part of the reason I can someday find peace with my barrenness. I sometimes find myself feeling empty, like I don't have "enough". In reality, my heart is FULL, with these amazing young ladies I just ATTEMPTED to sum up in a few paragraphs. Truly, I could write for months, without stopping, and still not be able to explain just how special each and every one of them are. I cried tears of joy as I wrote this, as I HAVE been greatly blessed.

Thank you to Maria, Nicole, and Jo, and your parents, for allowing me the privilege of watching you grow into all that you are today.

(Maria is gonna love this next part....)

And to God Almighty, the Author of Life, who has - for now - blessed me with these.  <3  

~ Nan

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

~Jeremiah 29:11

 

The Effects On Intimacy

Author: Nan

As I was talking to my AMAZINGLY supportive sister in law on the phone tonight, I had mentioned that at this point, Todd and I are no longer "actively trying" to conceive, if God sees fit, he will work his miracle, but I believe our days of letting the calendar dictate when we will be intimate are in the past. As I said this, it occurred to me that it may have been awkward to make such a reference, to my husband's sister. And that, maybe that is one of the reasons the subject of infertility is sometimes difficult. We are essentially speaking about our times of intimacy with our spouses, sometimes to almost strangers, and sometimes to their sisters, mothers, fathers, or children. It CAN be awkward, and sometimes, it feels like you're admitting, "We have pointless sex".


 It makes me wonder, when did I allow myself and Todd to be, somewhat anyways, robbed of the ability to simply enjoy each other in that way? How long and how many times was I being controlled by this, taking away from my husband's ability to simply enjoy US? This is unavoidable when you're in "attempted baby making" mode, but I'm just sitting here, thinking, "WOW". For years this went on. How many times did he want to say, "Let's just stop this insanity, it's not getting us anywhere, but causing pain and disappointment in a few weeks, and our desire for each other has to be, essentially, SCHEDULED." Again, this is unavoidable in "old fashioned baby making", unless you know of a different way, in which case, please share, lol. It's just another potential victim of this "disease" known as infertility. It steals our ability to enjoy spontaneous love making, because you have to at least stop to think, "if we do this now, is it going to decrease our chances when the calendar says it's GO TIME?" I'm not saying we should not still try to obtain the ultimate goal, it's just frustrating when I think of the fun, spontaneity being, to some degree, lost. And for these husband's, especially those who don't have that all consuming desire to have a/another child, they (at least mine), just go with the flow, never saying, "it's time to give up on your dream, because you're "cramping my style". He loves me with so much, that he just gives and gives, never calling a stop until I am so emotionally exhausted that I throw on the breaks. I've known of women who have NO desire to be intimate until the calendar says there's a "reason" for it. We have been lucky enough that I never got to that point, but what about them? They are both being robbed. Do those husbands feel that their wives are "using them", that she only wants that connection for what it can get her, and not for the connection itself? It makes me sad to think about it, because that connection can be so powerful, so comforting that even when it's not GO TIME, it soothes the soul, it helps to feel a little more whole to have that time with your spouse, and then cuddle, talk, shower together, or whatever your "routine" is.


 I don't know, I'm just thinking about how far reaching the effects of this can be. Truly, truly destructive to a marriage. And with that statement, I must say that the destruction to mine and Todd's marriage has been minimal, but there are little hurts, frustrations, outbursts, and resentments, that often are completely out of you spouses control. Those things can wear you down. Infertility often results in divorce. That's the thing I REFUSE to sacrifice, to anything. (I know, I just told you a few days ago that I attempted to move him out. That was insanity talking, I didn't mean it, and Todd would have never gone for it anyways, he loves me too much to let a breakdown ruin us). To me, there is nothing worth jeopardizing my marriage for. No, not even a baby. 


I am going end this by saying, if your intimacy has been affected by this, your marriage in general has been affected. Try to learn to reconnect with your husband, (or wife) as just that. Your husband. And not so much as the potential father of your potential child. Intimacy in your marriage is a language that only you and your spouse can be fluent in. If you've forgotten some of the words, light a few candles, take a bath, shave your legs, and get back to "talking"! It's good for you. And besides, God says so. lol.

Ps, Thank you "Sister in Law" (in case you'd like to remain un-named). Your support, and prayers are, and have been for many years, a source of encouragement and hope to me. I love you.

~Nan

For  I  know  the  plans  I  have  for  you,  says  the  Lord.  They  are  plans  for  good  and  not  for  evil,  to  give  you  a  future  and  a  hope.

 Jeremiah 29:11

Overwhelmed

Author: Nan

I have been so overwhelmed last night and today by the amount of readers we have had thus far. When I started this blog, 36 hours ago, I didn't expect very many people to read it, or even to care it was here. At the time I'm writing this, we are at 179 readers. I know that's not a MASSIVE number, but considering my expectations were pretty much maxed out at 10 or 15, I am overwhelmed. We even have one person from Germany visiting. I only expected maybe a few family members/friends to check in. I don't want to sit here and make it sound like I think I am doing an amazing thing, getting all puffed up, saying to myself, "I'm getting famous", lol. If that were really the case, trust me, I'd be trying to get famous for ANY reason other than being barren. I started writing for myself, and with a small hope that it would help a few others. If we already have nearly 200 people reading, then I pray God is allowing us to really help others feel not quite so alone. The only thing worse than having these feelings and thoughts bottled up, is to feel like we are the only ones. We generally don't talk about it to anyone, at least, not very often, therefore, we suffer mostly alone, thus, not giving ourselves the opportunity to learn there may be others, right in our midst, suffering the same feelings alone. WE DON'T HAVE TO FEEL THIS ALONE, If not anywhere else, we can feel free to come here, read, and share our hurts, our hopes, and even our joys. My ultimate hope, is that we will get people joining in, sharing their journey, and eventually, celebrating their success. I know that some of us are beyond that, we've simply reached the end of the road, and have to transition from hope, to acceptance. Paula and I have been on this road for similar amounts of time, her 15 years, me about 13 years. Our stories differ, our experiences differ, and our results have differed, but our hearts feel the same ache, to experience ALL that it would mean to be a biological mother. I myself, have always felt a strong desire to nurse my child, to feel that bond that only a biological mom can, to know that your child's very survival depends on the nourishment that only your body can provide. I don't know if Paula has felt that same strong desire, but regardless, she has not had the opportunity to have it fulfilled. We are all different, but we are the same. None of us can change the hand we have been dealt, but lets lay our cards down, and share them with each other. I believe, and promise you, that with each other, and through God, we can find some healing, some sense of peace.  

 

I don't know who all is reading this, I know it has been shared on facebook, both by Paula and my dad, ( I was not sure if I wanted my parents to read this, as I would think it could be difficult for a parent to read about these kinds of hurts their child feels. It seems he did read it, and then shared it on facebook. That "unspoken show of support" from him means a lot). Anyways, before it had appeared on facebook, we had a surprising amount of people reading it already. It stands to reason that other people who are dealing with infertility are reading. I know that there are some in our lives that have probably come to see what we have written, even maybe even a few who are just curious. It's an odd thing about human nature, the same thing that makes us look at scenes of car accidents as we drive by, we are curious about other peoples misfortunes, their tragedies. If that's the reason you are here, I still welcome you, read it, try to have a better understanding of it, maybe in the future you will be used to try to help ease someone else's pain concerning infertility. I encourage you to leave comments, whatever they may be, as long as they are kind. Questions are welcome, I THINK I can speak for Paula on this, we are already laying pretty much the most tender, private details of our personal lives out there, so for me at least, I feel if you have other questions, or curiosities, I will answer them, as long as they are appropriate. And KIND. We don't expect you to understand this if you don't know what it is to live with this reality, but we DO you expect you to not judge us for something you don't understand.

Anyways, thanks for reading, for whatever reason. Seeing the number of readers grow is very encouraging to both of us. It makes us feel like people out there DO care how we feel, as well as a HUGE encouragement that maybe we are reaching a few others, who maybe felt alone. We're not alone, and the feeling that maybe we are getting a group of people together, to band together, and provide support for each other,  IT IS HUGE! 

 

PS, 201 readers now! Praise God! I'm so excited.  :)

~Nan

For  I  know  the  plans  I  have  for  you,  says  the  Lord.  They  are  plans  for  good  and  not  for  evil,  to  give  you  a  future  and  a  hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Joe and Paula

Author: Paula

Hi.  I am Paula.  I am 38 years old.  My husband is 40.  We have been together for almost 20 years.  Those 20 years have been the best years of my life!  Please forgive me for the blabbering you might think I am doing.  I will probably be all over the place with what I am saying.  *wink*

     I am infertile.  As a matter of fact, I had a hysterectomy when I was 21 years old.  I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) at the age of 17.  This disease is a horrible one!  Those that suffer will know that the body produces cysts.  Often times these cysts will get so big that they burst, shooting toxins throughout the body making you very ill.  My PCOS may be worse than some.  The largest cyst that I have had was 12cm and had to be removed via surgery.  I have also had a cyst wrap around my bowels, strangling them which required surgery to fix.  In total I have had 14 surgeries to remove cysts, many which burst (very painful).  Because of all of these issues, I had to have a hysterectomy.  But before that, I was blessed with a pregnancy!

     The pregnancy that I was blessed with did not last the full term.  Joe and I were both pretty shocked when we found out that we were having twins!!!  We were very excited that we were pregnant, and to find that it was twins was amazing!  We were blessed with a boy (River Michael) and a girl (Sundi Sue).  Unfortunately my pregnancy was to only last six months.  I lost my baby boy when I was only six months pregnant and lost my baby girl two weeks later.  This was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  Not knowing if I could even get pregnant, then having them taken away in an instant.

     My hysterectomy was six weeks later.  I had lost all hope at that point.  I knew that I would never be able to give my husband a child of our own.  This was heartbreaking and the moment I joined the 'club' for those unable to have kids.  Joe and I were desperate to have kids.  We just loved children and could not imagine our life without being parents.  Then came Julie!!

     Julie, at one time was my sister-in-law.  Her and my brother had split many years prior.  We thought she was our saving grace!  She offered to surrogate for us and give us the child we thought we would never have.  The way she got pregnant was a little unorthodox.  I let my husband have sex with her to reach our ultimate goal.... a baby to call our own.  Well, sounds great right???  Ends up that Julie was not who we thought she was.  We pampered her, I talked to our daughter every day as much as I could.  I would read her stories, tell her how much Mommy loved her, rubbed her belly, and gave her everything she wanted.  We bought her an air conditioner to keep her cool, a computer so that we could communicate while we were apart, her maternity clothes, clothes, shoes, and other stuff for her five children, pretty much everything.

     We were going to do things by the book (we thought).  We paid a lawyer $1800 to help us draw up the paperwork to make the surrogacy legal.  We (Joe, Julie, and I) signed papers stating that when the baby was born, we would bring her home from the hospital and she would be ours.  We found out in court that there are NO surrogacy laws in our state.  The reason we had to go to court is when Julie was five months pregnant she told us (on Easter day) that she was NOT going to give us our baby.  Our lives were then shattered again..... Our dreams of having a family were gone.  We started right then and took her to court.

     Our first court appearance we plead to the judge that this pregnancy was meant for Joe and I.  She even signed legal paperwork saying so.  Unfortunately there we no laws to protect us so the judge did not side with us and told her she had the right as the biological mother to keep the baby.  We are still to this day fighting for our daughter who will be eight on 9/11.  We have fought for full custody, unfortunately the judge in our area (we only have one judge for the entire county) is all for the mothers and none for the fathers'.  Right now we have our baby girl every Tuesday from 3:30 (because of school) until 7 pm, and the weekends from 3:30 on Thursday until 3:30 on Sunday.

     I was not sure if I would be able to love this baby because she was not part of me and her bio mother was still in the picture and we had to deal with her on a daily basis.  God is great and gave me the ability to love Danielle beyond belief!  She is an amazing little girl... she is kind, has great manners, and is so loving.  We are grateful to have her in our life, but not the same as she is not biologically mine.  One would think that because I have Punk I should be satisfied, but I am not.  I still struggle on a daily basis that I cannot have children of my own, it does NOT go away!!!

     I pray for each of you that are infertile or for whatever reason cannot have your own children.  It breaks my heart that my close friend, Nan is dealing with the same issue, but I am grateful to have her!  Keep your heads up and know that God has a plan for you.  I was very angry at God for a long time (which is normal for most).  I have since then made right with God and know that he has a plan for me.  I hope I can fulfill his plan.

Do's & Dont's

Author: Nan

Do's & Dont's

So so many times, well meaning, but hurtful things are said to me on occasion regarding my abilities or lack thereof of my reproductive system. It drives me nuts. How do you respond to these things? Wouldn't it just be nice if there was a general understanding of what's appropriate for other people to say to us, so as to not cause (usually unintentional) additional hurt to us? It's a horrible moment when an uncle at your family reunion asks you and your husband IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, "Hey Todd & Nan, when are you guys gonna have a baby?!" The range of desired reactions was so vast, and yet all unacceptable. I wanted to slap him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to ask him "Hey Uncle, when are you gonna use your head and not be so @*#* rude?!" See, none of them would have been acceptable. Instead, I walked away and cried for 45 minutes by the little creek. Even if this is never read, or shared, I'm going to compile a list of the do's and don'ts that apply to me....

Dont's

• Please, if you're talking to someone who seems to have a love for children, DO NOT ask them when they're going to have one of their own. If you're surprised that they don't have any kids yet, they might be as well, and it might cause them a lot of pain.
• DO NOT, DO NOT tell them you understand, unless you have suffered infertility as well. 
• If the person is a step-parent, don't tell them "it's the same thing". That might be to us, similar to if you have several kids, and you lost one, and I told you, "Hey, at least you have back-ups". It is NOT the same. Those of us who have step children, we are happy they are in our lives, we have derived a great deal of joy from being their step-parents, but IT IS NOT THE SAME. I love my step daughters more than I would have thought possible, but at the same time, their presence in my life, sometimes in my home during yet another disappointing arrival of my period, has, in years past, been a stark reminder of what I can't do. I loved them at those times no less, it just meant I had to deal with more heartache.
• Don't assume we always want to share your parenting joys, or frustrations. The things you complain about, we long for those. We long for the sleepless nights, we long to have aching bleeding nipples from nursing a newborn baby, we long to have a child sometimes crawl into bed with us in the middle of the night. Honestly, we very much long for these things. As terrible as it sounds, I'm going to be honest here, sometimes, we simply resent you parents. Once in awhile, for brief moments, I, for one, absolutely hate you. I know it's not your fault, and God forgive me for those moments, but I AM only human. Think of what it would be to be a double amputee, with no prosthetic, no wheelchair, you are stuck in a chair, staring out a busy city window, watching people rush to and fro, and I complain to you about HAVING to walk to my mailbox once a day. In order to not be considered rude, we have to bite our tongues until they bleed sometimes, we TRY to save the broken sobs for later, when you don't have to see it.
• Don't send me invitations for baby showers. Opening one of those is difficult, and it's almost NEVER a consideration. It's nothing personal, just that's it's hard to share in your joy when we are overcome by grief.
• Don't assume that we'll eventually "get over it". For many of us, this is a "terminal disease". We won't get better, we won't be cured, the hurt never ends. Never. We are forever mourning the children we thought we would have, we planned them, we named them, we imagined what they would look like, in our dreams we have held them, nursed them, sometimes, they even misbehave, and then we wake up, every time feeling that we just experienced the death of someone we loved greatly.

• Don't take your kids for granted. I'm not saying to spoil them rotten, never punish or discipline them, to never have a bad day with them. Just never forget the blessing you have received. We would give just about anything to step into your shoes.

Do's

• Love us. Offer hugs. Lend an ear once in a while (only if you are sincere though). The feeling of loneliness can be so overwhelming at times. You don't have to understand what we are feeling in order to love us through the hard times. We don't expect you to understand, but we do need you still. 
• As difficult as it might seem, TRY to have a basic understanding of what we might feel. Be considerate. We aren't expecting to be treated with "kid gloves", just that you follow the Golden Rule; Treat others how you would have them treat you.
• Contrary to what I said in the "Don'ts list", We DO care about your kids, and what they have going on in their lives, we do want to see pictures of your babies, just not ALWAYS. Try to read our reactions. Some days, we just don't have it in us to pretend to be okay.
• Understand that some days, we just don't want to talk. We don't want to see anyone, we don't want to answer the phone. It's nothing personal, we have bad days, and don't want to cry in front of you, and don't have the energy to pretend.
• Ask our spouses how they are. Sometimes, invite them to play golf, go for a bike ride, etc. Even for the spouses who have the ability to have children, and do have children. They deal with so much grief, and complaints from us sometimes, and almost NEVER complain. They support us in ways that you probably wouldn't believe or understand. Sometimes they might need to vent, or maybe more likely, they just want to BE. They might want to get away from everything we put on them once in a while.

• Be sure to give these couples space. For me, when things are feeling pretty bad, I derive such comfort from Todd's very presence near to me, sometimes with no words needed. Sometimes I need him to just hold me, talk to me, play a game, or just to BE. In these times, your presence has the ability to take away from that. At times, we feel like a spoiled 2 year old, needing undivided attention from that person who we rely on for everything that makes us whole, or, as whole as we can be. 

I'm sure this list is not complete, this is just the stuff that stands out at the moment. I know, it sounds like walking through a minefield. It's not an exact science, and sometimes we are caught COMPLETELY off guard by something that really, has nothing to do with babies, infertility, or anything even related. And other times, sometimes we laugh at something that should have been so offensive that I threatened to strike you, lol. Sometimes, we just have a crazy moment where we need to laugh at how absurd this is.

 ~Nan

FOR  I  KNOW  THE  PLANS  I  HAVE  FOR  YOU,  SAYS  THE  LORD.  THEY  ARE  PLANS  FOR  GOOD  AND  NOT  FOR  EVIL,  TO  GIVE  YOU  A  FUTURE  AND  A  HOPE.

--JEREMIAH 29:11  

Todd and Nan

 Author: Nan

 
Todd and Nan

 

I've never blogged a thing in my life before, in fact, I've only even looked at a blog MAYBE 4 or 5 times. I don't EVEN know what the word blog means, or where in the world it came from. Needless to say, I am new at this, but I feel the urge to give it a try.

This blog is about infertility. The prayers, hopes, fears and ultimately, tears that go along with it. I am a Christian woman, who STRONGLY believes God has a plan, therefore there are going to be many references to God, prayer, and my faith, or even at times, my wavering faith. Jesus Christ IS my Lord and Savior, without Him, I would be absolutely hopeless in all things. I will neither apologize for that, or refrain from sharing it. I have discovered recently that there are very few sources of support for those of us that live with the impossibly difficult reality that we are unable to have children, at least, biologically. There are tons for parents who have experienced the death of a child, (which is unimaginable), but nothing, or very little for the ones who do not have the ability to become parents at all. This is my attempt to reach out to others to gain support for myself, as well as support others. I am convinced this blog will jump all over the place, covering the better part of 2 decades of time. Think of it as getting to know me. When you build friendships, those friends don't tell you their life stories in chronological order.

 

 We met on July 7, 1998. We have a 14 1/2 year age difference, but it has never felt that way. From the day we met, we've been nearly inseparable. Funny thing is though, it took us 10 years and 12 days to get married. Todd was married previously, had 3 amazing daughters with his first wife, and ultimately divorced. It wasn't a terribly messy divorce, but the circumstances made him rather fearful of taking that plunge again. He got brave though, and I have become inexplicably blessed as a result.  I truly feel like the luckiest, most blessed wife in all the world. It was fairly early on in our relationship when we started trying to conceive. I believe it was during the 2nd or 3rd year together that we started. We have now been together for almost 16 years. We have had a somewhat ideal relationship the entire time. We've had what I consider no "fights". Of course we have had disagreements, differences of opinions, and times that I have ATTEMPTED to have fights with him, but Todd's a lover, not a fighter, so those times usually just end in me feeling like a fool, and us just sitting down and talking things out. We did have a time of separation for 6 months, but really, it was just a time of intense stupidity on my part. We did have a couple of real issues that lead up to that separation, but I didn't know how to deal with them, and so tried to just run. God, and Todd brought me to my senses, both willingly and without hesitation offering me TOTAL forgiveness. I will forever honor and praise both of them for that.

MOTHER'S DAY

 

For me, and I would imagine, all women who long to be called Mommy, but never are, Mother's Day is THE MOST DREADED day of the year by far. I am fortunate enough to still have my mother, but usually, on Mother's Day, I fail her miserably, sometimes just spending the day alone, usually with bouts of crying, other years, like this one, I find myself on some floor in the house, sobbing uncontrollably, with prayers mixed in. I usually try to be as quiet as possible while I am stuck on that floor, because I HATE to cry at all, let alone in front of others. I try to "suck it up, and rub some dirt on it". This year, I have been entirely unsuccessful at that, it has been 3 days since that dreadful day, and I STILL am having a hard time to try to just function. It's not usually THIS bad, but the day after Mother's Day, my rather young, and quite pregnant cousin showed up, and within 2 minutes of being here, she had pulled up her shirt, and was offering us to touch her baby belly. Todd obliged her, and that was the end of the day for me. It's hard to explain, the feelings that course through you when you've been trying, and begging and pleading for a baby for 13+ years, and it seems everywhere you turn, there are all kinds of women conceiving, many with such little effort that it's a "Surprise Baby!" . To sum it up, it is just devastating. Currently, I am feeling bombarded by "baby fever" all around me. I have friends/family members either pregnant with Surprises, recently given birth to a Surprise, or planning the next baby, and though I'm happy for them, I'm sitting here, screaming on the inside "WHAT ABOUT ME???!!!!!!??????"  It is THE loneliest feeling I have ever experienced, because they just have no idea what this feels like. I feel, as a person, as a woman, as a wife, simply shattered. Like all the pieces of me have been broken beyond repair. I'd like to pick them up and try putting at least some of them back in place, but really, I'm just spent. All my energy has been exhausted on just maintaining a smile, and I have nothing left. My marriage is the most important relationship in the world, second only to my relationship with God, and at this point, I feel that both are in danger, because I just don't know what I have left to give either. Today, on day 3 of this hellish beginning of a week, I was reduced to ABSOLUTE craziness, I was completely irrational, and in that mode, I decided to pack my husband's belongings, and move him out. It was insane, because I had told him last night that I needed space from everyone, so I could try to "right" myself. He understood that to mean I needed space from EVERYONE, which IS indeed what I had told him, but I don't include him in that "EVERYONE" category. He is an extension of me, he is my right half, my BETTER half. I failed to properly communicate my needs to him, and then punished him for that. This is sometimes the life of a husband, he hears the words his wife speaks to him, and takes her literally, while us wives get mad because he didn't read our mind. During times of intense grief such as these, that scenario is more likely to happen, and it's very very likely to be amplified. (Todd, I know you'll be reading this soon, and I'd like to again, this time, somewhat publicly apologize for my total meltdown. That should NEVER be an option, and in reality, it wasn't today. I was feeling lost, and not knowing what to do, somehow I felt that SOME action, albeit crazy as that one was, was better than none. I should have SIMPLY TOLD you what I was needing from you, and prayed a whole lot more and harder. I love you, and appreciate your putting up with my moments of self-destructing meltdowns, WAAAAY more than you'll ever know.)  

I'm going to bring this entry to a close, I hope it did not sound like too much of a "endless rant", or like a pity party. I feel rather strongly that the only way this blogging thing will help me, or have a chance of helping anyone else who might read it, is if I am 100% honest. If you are here reading this, it is for one of two reasons, option #1, is you live with the reality of your own infertility, and are looking for support, if that's the case, let me apologize for all that that means, and the affects it has had on your own life. Just know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I felt that way for far too long, and have only recently, through a friend on facebook, learned that there REALLY ARE other people out there that know, REALLY KNOW what this feels like. It unfortunately does nothing to lessen our own pain, but it helps to know that we are not the only people to have ever felt this way. Option #2, is that someone you care about is or has dealt with infertility, and all the many ways it can affect their lives. Maybe you are wanting to have a better understanding of what they are feeling, maybe you are trying to figure out how to better support them, and don't know what to do, or what to say to them. If that's the case, HUG THEM, (If they are willing to accept, I myself struggle with accepting hugs in these times), tell them that you love them. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TELL THEM YOU UNDERSTAND, unless of course you do, and the ONLY way for that to happen, is if you also have struggled with infertility.

Okay, I'm really signing off on this now. 

~Nan

FOR  I  KNOW  THE  PLANS  I  HAVE  FOR  YOU,  SAYS  THE  LORD.  

THEY  ARE  PLANS  FOR  GOOD  AND  NOT  FOR  EVIL,  TO  GIVE  YOU  A  FUTURE  AND  A  HOPE.

-- JEREMIAH  29:11