Do's & Dont's

Author: Nan

Do's & Dont's

So so many times, well meaning, but hurtful things are said to me on occasion regarding my abilities or lack thereof of my reproductive system. It drives me nuts. How do you respond to these things? Wouldn't it just be nice if there was a general understanding of what's appropriate for other people to say to us, so as to not cause (usually unintentional) additional hurt to us? It's a horrible moment when an uncle at your family reunion asks you and your husband IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, "Hey Todd & Nan, when are you guys gonna have a baby?!" The range of desired reactions was so vast, and yet all unacceptable. I wanted to slap him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to ask him "Hey Uncle, when are you gonna use your head and not be so @*#* rude?!" See, none of them would have been acceptable. Instead, I walked away and cried for 45 minutes by the little creek. Even if this is never read, or shared, I'm going to compile a list of the do's and don'ts that apply to me....

Dont's

• Please, if you're talking to someone who seems to have a love for children, DO NOT ask them when they're going to have one of their own. If you're surprised that they don't have any kids yet, they might be as well, and it might cause them a lot of pain.
• DO NOT, DO NOT tell them you understand, unless you have suffered infertility as well. 
• If the person is a step-parent, don't tell them "it's the same thing". That might be to us, similar to if you have several kids, and you lost one, and I told you, "Hey, at least you have back-ups". It is NOT the same. Those of us who have step children, we are happy they are in our lives, we have derived a great deal of joy from being their step-parents, but IT IS NOT THE SAME. I love my step daughters more than I would have thought possible, but at the same time, their presence in my life, sometimes in my home during yet another disappointing arrival of my period, has, in years past, been a stark reminder of what I can't do. I loved them at those times no less, it just meant I had to deal with more heartache.
• Don't assume we always want to share your parenting joys, or frustrations. The things you complain about, we long for those. We long for the sleepless nights, we long to have aching bleeding nipples from nursing a newborn baby, we long to have a child sometimes crawl into bed with us in the middle of the night. Honestly, we very much long for these things. As terrible as it sounds, I'm going to be honest here, sometimes, we simply resent you parents. Once in awhile, for brief moments, I, for one, absolutely hate you. I know it's not your fault, and God forgive me for those moments, but I AM only human. Think of what it would be to be a double amputee, with no prosthetic, no wheelchair, you are stuck in a chair, staring out a busy city window, watching people rush to and fro, and I complain to you about HAVING to walk to my mailbox once a day. In order to not be considered rude, we have to bite our tongues until they bleed sometimes, we TRY to save the broken sobs for later, when you don't have to see it.
• Don't send me invitations for baby showers. Opening one of those is difficult, and it's almost NEVER a consideration. It's nothing personal, just that's it's hard to share in your joy when we are overcome by grief.
• Don't assume that we'll eventually "get over it". For many of us, this is a "terminal disease". We won't get better, we won't be cured, the hurt never ends. Never. We are forever mourning the children we thought we would have, we planned them, we named them, we imagined what they would look like, in our dreams we have held them, nursed them, sometimes, they even misbehave, and then we wake up, every time feeling that we just experienced the death of someone we loved greatly.

• Don't take your kids for granted. I'm not saying to spoil them rotten, never punish or discipline them, to never have a bad day with them. Just never forget the blessing you have received. We would give just about anything to step into your shoes.

Do's

• Love us. Offer hugs. Lend an ear once in a while (only if you are sincere though). The feeling of loneliness can be so overwhelming at times. You don't have to understand what we are feeling in order to love us through the hard times. We don't expect you to understand, but we do need you still. 
• As difficult as it might seem, TRY to have a basic understanding of what we might feel. Be considerate. We aren't expecting to be treated with "kid gloves", just that you follow the Golden Rule; Treat others how you would have them treat you.
• Contrary to what I said in the "Don'ts list", We DO care about your kids, and what they have going on in their lives, we do want to see pictures of your babies, just not ALWAYS. Try to read our reactions. Some days, we just don't have it in us to pretend to be okay.
• Understand that some days, we just don't want to talk. We don't want to see anyone, we don't want to answer the phone. It's nothing personal, we have bad days, and don't want to cry in front of you, and don't have the energy to pretend.
• Ask our spouses how they are. Sometimes, invite them to play golf, go for a bike ride, etc. Even for the spouses who have the ability to have children, and do have children. They deal with so much grief, and complaints from us sometimes, and almost NEVER complain. They support us in ways that you probably wouldn't believe or understand. Sometimes they might need to vent, or maybe more likely, they just want to BE. They might want to get away from everything we put on them once in a while.

• Be sure to give these couples space. For me, when things are feeling pretty bad, I derive such comfort from Todd's very presence near to me, sometimes with no words needed. Sometimes I need him to just hold me, talk to me, play a game, or just to BE. In these times, your presence has the ability to take away from that. At times, we feel like a spoiled 2 year old, needing undivided attention from that person who we rely on for everything that makes us whole, or, as whole as we can be. 

I'm sure this list is not complete, this is just the stuff that stands out at the moment. I know, it sounds like walking through a minefield. It's not an exact science, and sometimes we are caught COMPLETELY off guard by something that really, has nothing to do with babies, infertility, or anything even related. And other times, sometimes we laugh at something that should have been so offensive that I threatened to strike you, lol. Sometimes, we just have a crazy moment where we need to laugh at how absurd this is.

 ~Nan

FOR  I  KNOW  THE  PLANS  I  HAVE  FOR  YOU,  SAYS  THE  LORD.  THEY  ARE  PLANS  FOR  GOOD  AND  NOT  FOR  EVIL,  TO  GIVE  YOU  A  FUTURE  AND  A  HOPE.

--JEREMIAH 29:11