Todd and Nan

 Author: Nan

 
Todd and Nan

 

I've never blogged a thing in my life before, in fact, I've only even looked at a blog MAYBE 4 or 5 times. I don't EVEN know what the word blog means, or where in the world it came from. Needless to say, I am new at this, but I feel the urge to give it a try.

This blog is about infertility. The prayers, hopes, fears and ultimately, tears that go along with it. I am a Christian woman, who STRONGLY believes God has a plan, therefore there are going to be many references to God, prayer, and my faith, or even at times, my wavering faith. Jesus Christ IS my Lord and Savior, without Him, I would be absolutely hopeless in all things. I will neither apologize for that, or refrain from sharing it. I have discovered recently that there are very few sources of support for those of us that live with the impossibly difficult reality that we are unable to have children, at least, biologically. There are tons for parents who have experienced the death of a child, (which is unimaginable), but nothing, or very little for the ones who do not have the ability to become parents at all. This is my attempt to reach out to others to gain support for myself, as well as support others. I am convinced this blog will jump all over the place, covering the better part of 2 decades of time. Think of it as getting to know me. When you build friendships, those friends don't tell you their life stories in chronological order.

 

 We met on July 7, 1998. We have a 14 1/2 year age difference, but it has never felt that way. From the day we met, we've been nearly inseparable. Funny thing is though, it took us 10 years and 12 days to get married. Todd was married previously, had 3 amazing daughters with his first wife, and ultimately divorced. It wasn't a terribly messy divorce, but the circumstances made him rather fearful of taking that plunge again. He got brave though, and I have become inexplicably blessed as a result.  I truly feel like the luckiest, most blessed wife in all the world. It was fairly early on in our relationship when we started trying to conceive. I believe it was during the 2nd or 3rd year together that we started. We have now been together for almost 16 years. We have had a somewhat ideal relationship the entire time. We've had what I consider no "fights". Of course we have had disagreements, differences of opinions, and times that I have ATTEMPTED to have fights with him, but Todd's a lover, not a fighter, so those times usually just end in me feeling like a fool, and us just sitting down and talking things out. We did have a time of separation for 6 months, but really, it was just a time of intense stupidity on my part. We did have a couple of real issues that lead up to that separation, but I didn't know how to deal with them, and so tried to just run. God, and Todd brought me to my senses, both willingly and without hesitation offering me TOTAL forgiveness. I will forever honor and praise both of them for that.

MOTHER'S DAY

 

For me, and I would imagine, all women who long to be called Mommy, but never are, Mother's Day is THE MOST DREADED day of the year by far. I am fortunate enough to still have my mother, but usually, on Mother's Day, I fail her miserably, sometimes just spending the day alone, usually with bouts of crying, other years, like this one, I find myself on some floor in the house, sobbing uncontrollably, with prayers mixed in. I usually try to be as quiet as possible while I am stuck on that floor, because I HATE to cry at all, let alone in front of others. I try to "suck it up, and rub some dirt on it". This year, I have been entirely unsuccessful at that, it has been 3 days since that dreadful day, and I STILL am having a hard time to try to just function. It's not usually THIS bad, but the day after Mother's Day, my rather young, and quite pregnant cousin showed up, and within 2 minutes of being here, she had pulled up her shirt, and was offering us to touch her baby belly. Todd obliged her, and that was the end of the day for me. It's hard to explain, the feelings that course through you when you've been trying, and begging and pleading for a baby for 13+ years, and it seems everywhere you turn, there are all kinds of women conceiving, many with such little effort that it's a "Surprise Baby!" . To sum it up, it is just devastating. Currently, I am feeling bombarded by "baby fever" all around me. I have friends/family members either pregnant with Surprises, recently given birth to a Surprise, or planning the next baby, and though I'm happy for them, I'm sitting here, screaming on the inside "WHAT ABOUT ME???!!!!!!??????"  It is THE loneliest feeling I have ever experienced, because they just have no idea what this feels like. I feel, as a person, as a woman, as a wife, simply shattered. Like all the pieces of me have been broken beyond repair. I'd like to pick them up and try putting at least some of them back in place, but really, I'm just spent. All my energy has been exhausted on just maintaining a smile, and I have nothing left. My marriage is the most important relationship in the world, second only to my relationship with God, and at this point, I feel that both are in danger, because I just don't know what I have left to give either. Today, on day 3 of this hellish beginning of a week, I was reduced to ABSOLUTE craziness, I was completely irrational, and in that mode, I decided to pack my husband's belongings, and move him out. It was insane, because I had told him last night that I needed space from everyone, so I could try to "right" myself. He understood that to mean I needed space from EVERYONE, which IS indeed what I had told him, but I don't include him in that "EVERYONE" category. He is an extension of me, he is my right half, my BETTER half. I failed to properly communicate my needs to him, and then punished him for that. This is sometimes the life of a husband, he hears the words his wife speaks to him, and takes her literally, while us wives get mad because he didn't read our mind. During times of intense grief such as these, that scenario is more likely to happen, and it's very very likely to be amplified. (Todd, I know you'll be reading this soon, and I'd like to again, this time, somewhat publicly apologize for my total meltdown. That should NEVER be an option, and in reality, it wasn't today. I was feeling lost, and not knowing what to do, somehow I felt that SOME action, albeit crazy as that one was, was better than none. I should have SIMPLY TOLD you what I was needing from you, and prayed a whole lot more and harder. I love you, and appreciate your putting up with my moments of self-destructing meltdowns, WAAAAY more than you'll ever know.)  

I'm going to bring this entry to a close, I hope it did not sound like too much of a "endless rant", or like a pity party. I feel rather strongly that the only way this blogging thing will help me, or have a chance of helping anyone else who might read it, is if I am 100% honest. If you are here reading this, it is for one of two reasons, option #1, is you live with the reality of your own infertility, and are looking for support, if that's the case, let me apologize for all that that means, and the affects it has had on your own life. Just know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I felt that way for far too long, and have only recently, through a friend on facebook, learned that there REALLY ARE other people out there that know, REALLY KNOW what this feels like. It unfortunately does nothing to lessen our own pain, but it helps to know that we are not the only people to have ever felt this way. Option #2, is that someone you care about is or has dealt with infertility, and all the many ways it can affect their lives. Maybe you are wanting to have a better understanding of what they are feeling, maybe you are trying to figure out how to better support them, and don't know what to do, or what to say to them. If that's the case, HUG THEM, (If they are willing to accept, I myself struggle with accepting hugs in these times), tell them that you love them. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TELL THEM YOU UNDERSTAND, unless of course you do, and the ONLY way for that to happen, is if you also have struggled with infertility.

Okay, I'm really signing off on this now. 

~Nan

FOR  I  KNOW  THE  PLANS  I  HAVE  FOR  YOU,  SAYS  THE  LORD.  

THEY  ARE  PLANS  FOR  GOOD  AND  NOT  FOR  EVIL,  TO  GIVE  YOU  A  FUTURE  AND  A  HOPE.

-- JEREMIAH  29:11