My relationship with Punk

Author: Paula

As you all know, I have a step-daughter.  Her name is Danielle but you will see me refer to her as 'Punk' (nickname).  Although I cannot have children of my own, I do have some of the void filled by Punk.  As I wrote in my original post, Danielle was meant for my husband and I, not for her bio.  However, the relationship that I have with Punk is unique.  She IS my daughter!  She calls me 'Mom, Mama, and Mommy (sometimes, she is growing out of Mommy).  I love her with every fiber of my being and would walk to the end of the earth for her.  

She is learning the situation with her bio and her Dad an I.  She was initially told by her bio when she was nearly 6 years old.  Joe and I thought that was a little young, but she is wise beyond her years.  She understood to an extent and did not hesitate to ask me questions.  Unfortunately she does not have an open relationship with her bio (don't get me wrong... I love that she confides in me and not her bio).  I then tried my best to explain the situation to her in a way that she would understand.  

Punk does not hesitate to talk to me openly.  Often times she does not even want her Dad to hear and will stop talking when he comes into the room.  She will tell me about the boys at school that she likes, who was being naughty at school, who she likes, who she doesn't, and all about what happens at her 'other house'.  It is hard for me to hear some of the things that she tells me because there is nothing I can do to make the situation better.  

Just because she is in my life, it does not take away the fact that I still have a deep desire to have a child of my own.  Like I said, she helps fill the void, but I still feel empty inside.  I yearn to give Joe a child we can call 'ours'.  Danielle is only my step-daughter, yet I treat her as my own.  Punk does know that I had twins and that I cannot have babies because my 'girl parts' are gone.  I'm sure this is somewhat difficult for her to understand, but I do NOT want to keep anything from her and have her in the future question my honesty.  Needless to say, I do still yearn for a child.  

I do not think the feelings ever go away.  I am sure that I could have five more step-children or adopted kids and still have those feelings.  Adoption was never an option for us because of the outrageous cost associated with it.  The way we created Punk was the only option.  I guess I am like all over the place with this post so I am just going to stop here.  I just want to say that I think it is normal to feel the way we feel and that it will never go away.  Happy blogging.  Much love!