JEALOUSY.... DOES IT EVER STOP?????

Author: Paula

I don't know if it is right for me to STILL be feeling this way!  It has been 16 years (getting close to 17) since I lost the twins and had my hysterectomy.   A girlfriend of mine just had a beautiful baby girl.  Hearing my best friend talk about holding her, smelling her, how soft she felt, and how she curled up on her shoulder just shot pains of jealousy through me.  I have not been so jealous in all my life.  I adore my girlfriend who had the baby, and have no ill will toward her at all!!!!!  

When I first had my hysterectomy I thought for my physical well being that it would be perfect!  No more pain, terrible periods (when I had them), no more surgeries (14 was enough!) but I never thought that the pain I would feel in my heart would be so heavy and such a burden.  Please don't get me wrong, Punk fills a great part of that void, but I still long so badly for a baby of my own.  

At this age, I think I would be selfish to ever try to raise a baby.  My health isn't very well and I know that I would not be able to play like I use to.  My husband is now 40 and is starting to feel it too!  I think right now we need to put all of our energy and resources into Punk.  She is soon to be eight (September 11th) and really needs us!  Her life at the bio's isn't that great.  

Anyway... back to jealousy (I could talk for hours about Dani, lol)  I so long for the smell of a new baby, the softness of their body, the feeding... everything!  I want to be able to walk down the street.... see a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn and NOT feel like strangling her!  And the thing is... it's nothing personal to the woman, ever.   I want so bad for my friends in the 'club' to experience those things.  You hear women talking about how much it hurt, blah, blah, blah... some of us would welcome the pain.  There are women out there that say the pain goes away quickly or you just forget about it.... well, God please let these women experience it!  

This may sound silly to some of you, but I am going to end with a prayer. 

Dear Heavenly Father I thank you for the ability to help other women who are not able to have children for whatever reason you have chosen.  Thank you for the friends I have made because of the choice you made for me.   Please Lord give these women the ability to have children and experience motherhood.  I ask Lord that you wrap your arms around them and comfort them for you are our one and only God.  I ask this in Jesus name,  Amen.  


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