The Effects On Intimacy

Author: Nan

As I was talking to my AMAZINGLY supportive sister in law on the phone tonight, I had mentioned that at this point, Todd and I are no longer "actively trying" to conceive, if God sees fit, he will work his miracle, but I believe our days of letting the calendar dictate when we will be intimate are in the past. As I said this, it occurred to me that it may have been awkward to make such a reference, to my husband's sister. And that, maybe that is one of the reasons the subject of infertility is sometimes difficult. We are essentially speaking about our times of intimacy with our spouses, sometimes to almost strangers, and sometimes to their sisters, mothers, fathers, or children. It CAN be awkward, and sometimes, it feels like you're admitting, "We have pointless sex".


 It makes me wonder, when did I allow myself and Todd to be, somewhat anyways, robbed of the ability to simply enjoy each other in that way? How long and how many times was I being controlled by this, taking away from my husband's ability to simply enjoy US? This is unavoidable when you're in "attempted baby making" mode, but I'm just sitting here, thinking, "WOW". For years this went on. How many times did he want to say, "Let's just stop this insanity, it's not getting us anywhere, but causing pain and disappointment in a few weeks, and our desire for each other has to be, essentially, SCHEDULED." Again, this is unavoidable in "old fashioned baby making", unless you know of a different way, in which case, please share, lol. It's just another potential victim of this "disease" known as infertility. It steals our ability to enjoy spontaneous love making, because you have to at least stop to think, "if we do this now, is it going to decrease our chances when the calendar says it's GO TIME?" I'm not saying we should not still try to obtain the ultimate goal, it's just frustrating when I think of the fun, spontaneity being, to some degree, lost. And for these husband's, especially those who don't have that all consuming desire to have a/another child, they (at least mine), just go with the flow, never saying, "it's time to give up on your dream, because you're "cramping my style". He loves me with so much, that he just gives and gives, never calling a stop until I am so emotionally exhausted that I throw on the breaks. I've known of women who have NO desire to be intimate until the calendar says there's a "reason" for it. We have been lucky enough that I never got to that point, but what about them? They are both being robbed. Do those husbands feel that their wives are "using them", that she only wants that connection for what it can get her, and not for the connection itself? It makes me sad to think about it, because that connection can be so powerful, so comforting that even when it's not GO TIME, it soothes the soul, it helps to feel a little more whole to have that time with your spouse, and then cuddle, talk, shower together, or whatever your "routine" is.


 I don't know, I'm just thinking about how far reaching the effects of this can be. Truly, truly destructive to a marriage. And with that statement, I must say that the destruction to mine and Todd's marriage has been minimal, but there are little hurts, frustrations, outbursts, and resentments, that often are completely out of you spouses control. Those things can wear you down. Infertility often results in divorce. That's the thing I REFUSE to sacrifice, to anything. (I know, I just told you a few days ago that I attempted to move him out. That was insanity talking, I didn't mean it, and Todd would have never gone for it anyways, he loves me too much to let a breakdown ruin us). To me, there is nothing worth jeopardizing my marriage for. No, not even a baby. 


I am going end this by saying, if your intimacy has been affected by this, your marriage in general has been affected. Try to learn to reconnect with your husband, (or wife) as just that. Your husband. And not so much as the potential father of your potential child. Intimacy in your marriage is a language that only you and your spouse can be fluent in. If you've forgotten some of the words, light a few candles, take a bath, shave your legs, and get back to "talking"! It's good for you. And besides, God says so. lol.

Ps, Thank you "Sister in Law" (in case you'd like to remain un-named). Your support, and prayers are, and have been for many years, a source of encouragement and hope to me. I love you.

~Nan

For  I  know  the  plans  I  have  for  you,  says  the  Lord.  They  are  plans  for  good  and  not  for  evil,  to  give  you  a  future  and  a  hope.

 Jeremiah 29:11