I can’t help but wonder, for those who have dealt with infertility
for years and years, felt all of the heartache, the disappointments, found
themselves on the bathroom floor, broken-hearted and sobbing on Mother’s Day,
and then are blessed with a successful pregnancy, Does It Fade? Do they forget
what that desperation felt like, how hopeless and useless you begin to feel? Do
they see a pregnant woman, and forget that just the image of a pregnant woman
used to be the cause of a bad day, many tears, and such jealousy that it morphs
from jealousy into a monster that there is no name for? For any of you reading
this that have struggled with infertility, but have succeeded in getting
pregnant, please, please comment on this post. I am very curious if it fades.
For example, it has been many years since I broke my foot as a teenager. I
remember it hurting a lot. I remember not being able to walk on it for a while,
and that even after I could walk on it, I was limping a bit. I can remember
details, but I could not describe for you the pain of it. If you asked me “Do
you remember how much it hurt when your foot was broken?” My answer would be “I
don’t really remember, other than it hurt quite a bit.” Many pains we have in life, be it physical or
emotional, they fade over time. As they say, “Time heals all wounds”. I don’t
agree that it HEALS ALL, but that it soothes most wounds. My question is to
you, “Do you remember just how much it hurt when your womb, and part of your
spirit was broken?” It would seem only natural that it would fade over time,
but I don’t know. On one hand, I hope it does, it would be nice to know that
those who can achieve the ultimate goal can move past the hurt of it all, and
not be reminded of that struggle. On the other hand, I hope they can hold onto
just enough of it to never take their blessings for granted. The thing that
bothers me perhaps the most is when I see parents who just don’t understand the
blessings they hold. Too many children are neglected and abused. A very close
friend and family member was just telling me that when she worked in labor and
delivery, she saw the injustice of infertility, or in some cases, fertility in
the wrong people, on a regular basis. How heartbreaking that must be to have to
watch it. I have knowledge of that kind of thing, and have seen some cases of
it, but to watch it every day, or many days… Nope, I couldn’t do it.
I hope people don’t think I ramble too much on here. Though,
I believe I do, quite often. I use this blog as my sounding board of sorts.
Rather, my diary. It is a place I feel safe to say whatever is on my mind.
Whatever random thoughts that pop into my head throughout the day, or the
sadness that sometimes weighs me down. This is my safety zone, but if there’s
any chance someone might be comforted by some of it, to know they are not the
only ones with these frustrations, etc, I want to share it. As of this moment,
there have been 849 readers, in 10 countries coming to the blog, since
Wednesday. I don’t know what that means in terms of “a successful” blog. The
numbers are rather low compared to many others, and I know that not all of the
visitors are here looking for support, I have no way of knowing what the
numbers are on that, (though, if we’d get more responses to the poll on the
right of the page, we’d have a better idea ;) If there is one person out there who is
deriving just a tiny bit of comfort from knowing that I feel the same, or at
the least, very similar things regarding our inability to procreate. And maybe
more importantly, I feel just as crazy and unstable at times…………….. (Side note…..I’m sitting outside, enjoying
the nice weather that has been such a long time coming for those of us in
western New York this past winter. As I sit here typing, listening to my praise
music with my ear buds, a breeze comes up, and caress’s my cheek. I could not
help but pause, and look up to the sky. What an amazing God we have! Thank you
Lord, for ALL that you are, and ALL that you have done for us.) I don’t want to be too “preachy” on here, but
like I said at the beginning of this blog, I would be nothing, a completely
empty shell of a person if not for the sacrifice Jesus made for me with His
redeeming blood. I will praise Him all the days of my life, and I will not apologize for it. :-)
Anyways, I’m closing up here, going to go inside and spend a
little quality time with my amazing Hubby before he has to get ready for work
in a few hours. (He works 3rd shift, thus the reason much of my
blogging happens late at night/early in the morning.) I hope you all have a fantastic evening.
~ With Love, Nan
For I know the plans
I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to
give you a future and a hope.
~Jeremiah 29:11
3 comments:
Even though Punk is mine (but not biologically) I still feel the pain of not being able to conceive. My girlfriend will post soon on this and I think she can bring a lot of insight on this topic.
I thought I posted this before, but it did not upload for some reason so here we go again.
I think I may be able to answer your question about if the pain of infertility ever fades once conception does occur. For years in my first marriage, I was told by several doctors that I would never be able to conceive children of my own. I went through endless fertility treatments and methods to conceive, but was never blessed with a miracle. I hated pregnant people- whether I knew them or not- simply because they had what I was trying so hard to get. Looking back on my life, I can say that the pain does fade but it is something that you will never be able to forget. I believe that there is a purpose for everything; God's plan if-you-will. I know now that the reason God did not bless me with children in my first marriage is because He could see that the marriage was not meant to be. It was very abusive (without going into too much detail). God spared me the pain of having children with this man as He knew that it would be too difficult on the children and myself to be tied to this ex of mine forever. In 2005, I met the love of my life and in 2006 God gave us our first blessing of a son. In 2009, our second miracle arrived. I think I took more delight in my pregnancy and the birth of my children than most mothers can; unless you have experienced the horrible pains of infertility you can never imagine what the blessing of a baby feels like. Now, I am certainly not telling anyone to divorce their husbands and find another; this is just how it worked in my situation. When the troubles of infertility plague your mind, remember to take a break from trying to conceive and enjoy life. The stress from conception and infertility is abundant, and this stress can actually hinder conception. Find peace and happiness; find something in life that you love to do and do it! Find intimacy and meaning with your partners again, and take time for your relationship without the pressure of producing a baby. I know this can be easier than said, more often than not, but take it from someone who has been in your shoes. Eliminate the stress, find true happiness, and pray on the rest. I pray every night and thank God for our miracles who we are proud to call sons. I do not believe that anyone can truly enjoy their pregnancies and the births of their children the way that someone who has struggles with infertility can. There even came a point in my early years where I questioned God's existence and his cruelty for not allowing me to conceive, but ironically I am thankful for that today.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.
On another note, make sure that your husbands have been tested for fertility. I have seen a lot of instances where doctors just assume that it is the woman who is infertile when in fact it has been the man. God has a purpose for all of us; embrace your faith, recreate the spark in your love lives, and pray, pray, pray!!! As I go to bed tonight, I will send up special prayers for my sisters in infertility.
How about your step-children Val. You were not pregnant but still had a step- child to help raise. Did Aaliyah fill that void at all for you?
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