Joe and Paula

Author: Paula

Hi.  I am Paula.  I am 38 years old.  My husband is 40.  We have been together for almost 20 years.  Those 20 years have been the best years of my life!  Please forgive me for the blabbering you might think I am doing.  I will probably be all over the place with what I am saying.  *wink*

     I am infertile.  As a matter of fact, I had a hysterectomy when I was 21 years old.  I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) at the age of 17.  This disease is a horrible one!  Those that suffer will know that the body produces cysts.  Often times these cysts will get so big that they burst, shooting toxins throughout the body making you very ill.  My PCOS may be worse than some.  The largest cyst that I have had was 12cm and had to be removed via surgery.  I have also had a cyst wrap around my bowels, strangling them which required surgery to fix.  In total I have had 14 surgeries to remove cysts, many which burst (very painful).  Because of all of these issues, I had to have a hysterectomy.  But before that, I was blessed with a pregnancy!

     The pregnancy that I was blessed with did not last the full term.  Joe and I were both pretty shocked when we found out that we were having twins!!!  We were very excited that we were pregnant, and to find that it was twins was amazing!  We were blessed with a boy (River Michael) and a girl (Sundi Sue).  Unfortunately my pregnancy was to only last six months.  I lost my baby boy when I was only six months pregnant and lost my baby girl two weeks later.  This was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  Not knowing if I could even get pregnant, then having them taken away in an instant.

     My hysterectomy was six weeks later.  I had lost all hope at that point.  I knew that I would never be able to give my husband a child of our own.  This was heartbreaking and the moment I joined the 'club' for those unable to have kids.  Joe and I were desperate to have kids.  We just loved children and could not imagine our life without being parents.  Then came Julie!!

     Julie, at one time was my sister-in-law.  Her and my brother had split many years prior.  We thought she was our saving grace!  She offered to surrogate for us and give us the child we thought we would never have.  The way she got pregnant was a little unorthodox.  I let my husband have sex with her to reach our ultimate goal.... a baby to call our own.  Well, sounds great right???  Ends up that Julie was not who we thought she was.  We pampered her, I talked to our daughter every day as much as I could.  I would read her stories, tell her how much Mommy loved her, rubbed her belly, and gave her everything she wanted.  We bought her an air conditioner to keep her cool, a computer so that we could communicate while we were apart, her maternity clothes, clothes, shoes, and other stuff for her five children, pretty much everything.

     We were going to do things by the book (we thought).  We paid a lawyer $1800 to help us draw up the paperwork to make the surrogacy legal.  We (Joe, Julie, and I) signed papers stating that when the baby was born, we would bring her home from the hospital and she would be ours.  We found out in court that there are NO surrogacy laws in our state.  The reason we had to go to court is when Julie was five months pregnant she told us (on Easter day) that she was NOT going to give us our baby.  Our lives were then shattered again..... Our dreams of having a family were gone.  We started right then and took her to court.

     Our first court appearance we plead to the judge that this pregnancy was meant for Joe and I.  She even signed legal paperwork saying so.  Unfortunately there we no laws to protect us so the judge did not side with us and told her she had the right as the biological mother to keep the baby.  We are still to this day fighting for our daughter who will be eight on 9/11.  We have fought for full custody, unfortunately the judge in our area (we only have one judge for the entire county) is all for the mothers and none for the fathers'.  Right now we have our baby girl every Tuesday from 3:30 (because of school) until 7 pm, and the weekends from 3:30 on Thursday until 3:30 on Sunday.

     I was not sure if I would be able to love this baby because she was not part of me and her bio mother was still in the picture and we had to deal with her on a daily basis.  God is great and gave me the ability to love Danielle beyond belief!  She is an amazing little girl... she is kind, has great manners, and is so loving.  We are grateful to have her in our life, but not the same as she is not biologically mine.  One would think that because I have Punk I should be satisfied, but I am not.  I still struggle on a daily basis that I cannot have children of my own, it does NOT go away!!!

     I pray for each of you that are infertile or for whatever reason cannot have your own children.  It breaks my heart that my close friend, Nan is dealing with the same issue, but I am grateful to have her!  Keep your heads up and know that God has a plan for you.  I was very angry at God for a long time (which is normal for most).  I have since then made right with God and know that he has a plan for me.  I hope I can fulfill his plan.