Author: Paula
Surrogacy is a touchy subject for me as you all know my story. Do you think that if you had all the children you wanted that you would be able to surrogate for a woman that cannot conceive? Would you consider surrogacy for yourself? I know there are a lot of women who say that they could do it, then after some thought they change their mind and say they could not, even if it were not her egg.
I know that not being able to have my own children, I would LOVE to bless another family with that ultimate gift! I was expecting to receive that gift, unfortunately God had bigger plans for me. I think this is one of those plans....helping others. :) I say that I could do it, but could I really? Could I give up a child that has grown in my body for 9 months? Feeling the baby move, eating healthy, taking vitamins for one reason... a baby. Knowing what it feels like, I would think that I could do it.
With your infertility, do you have viable egg or sperm so that this would be an option for you? With our situation, my eggs were not even viable so that was out of the question. We HAD to use another woman's egg. Fortunately we did use Joe's sperm (obviously). This is the only thing that kept our beautiful daughter in our lives. If it had not been for a botched surrogacy we would have no child at all. Something is better than nothing, even if by law and bio she is just my step-daughter. What would you do if you were in my position with the surrogacy?
I hope to hear from you all on how you would handle the situation.
Infertility Prayer
13 comments:
I actually have wondered this question myself in the last few days, IF I were to be blessed enough to have a turn around in my situation, and be able to conceive, would I be able to then bless another family by being a surrogate for them? At this point, I do believe I would be fulfilled with "only" one "full kid", (because Todd's are my "half-kids", lol) In all honesty, I don't think I could do it. Even if it were not my egg, and I was only a "host". I just wouldn't dare even try it, knowing how much, and how quickly I can, and do become attached to babies in my life, even when I know them only a brief time. My head always knows they are not mine, but my heart ignores all logic, and often forms, (rather quickly) a very strong bond. I feel selfish saying this, knowing how much of a blessing that could be for others, but I just don't know that I would be capable of the letting go part.
Also, I'm not sure that Todd would be capable of it either. Even if we shared no biological bond with the child. Though people may be surprised to know this, my husband is a big softie, and I think it would be a little difficult for him watching my body change with a pregnancy, and then to "give it away" afterward, especially after our desire to have a child together had been denied for so long.
I'd like to believe we could in turn bless someone else, I just don't know that we could do it.
Surrogacy is a touchy subject for me. Growing up I just knew that I was going to have 6 kids and be happily married. Well I was 9 at the time. I had to grow up young because of my Spina Bifida, and at 9 I would rather play with the adults than children my own age. My sister and I went to a babysitter, and I always took care of the babies. My aunt trusted me to feed and change two babies in particular. I would take them for walks around the neighborhood, and occasionally I would miss the bus because one or the other had puked on my outfit before school. I knew even then, that someday I would get married and have 6 kids.
Flash forward 14 years, and here we are in the present. I'm 35, on my second marriage and still childless. I'm beginning to wonder if the doctor knew what he was talking about.
I met my best friend when I was 20, and we've been best friends since. We were going to get married at the same time and raise our kids together. Our husbands were going to be best friends too. Well now she has 2 boys, and she's been married to the same guy for almost 13 years!
I'm allergic to latex so I definitely should have been pregnant by now or even way back when I was 21.I guess life doesn't always work out as planned. So over the years I've changed those plans. I've been somebody's Nanny for 20+years and I love every minute of it, but since moving to Texas and not knowing any little ones, I've had to reevaluate my plans. Being Catholic has helped. I have to wonder what God has in store for me. Did He allow me those opportunities so that I'll be okay without my own kids? I don't know. All I know is that He knows and no matter how much I want something, God may have something even better for me.
So on to surrogacy. I'm not giving up on trying to have my own kids w Matt, but reading this helps. Matt and I took Natural Family Planning classes through our pre canna program after we got married. We've been practicing since September 21st �� I have an appointment with my doctor for a pap in 3 months and then maybe some testing to see if we can have kids. If not, then I'll accept it. It has taken me a really long time to get to a place in my life where I may just have to be ok with maybe foster children. Matt and I have talked extensively about adoption, IVF and surrogacy. When it became apparent that I might not have kids, my bestest offered to be my surrogate. Lucky for me, I couldn't afford that in my first marriage. I guess God knows what He was doing in my first marriage, but now that I'm HAPPILY married a second time, the question of surrogacy has come up again. After a lot of prayer and reflection, we have decided against it. I realize that it's unnatural and against our religion. As tough as this is for me, I know that making a baby in a petry dish or injecting sperm or whatever into me or another person isn't natural and not of God.
It was after I got remarried in September that I broke this news to my bestie. It isn't fair to her ,her husband or her family for me to be selfish and ask her to risk her life for me. And then morning sickness, doctor's vists, etc. Also, it's expensive, and she has 2 boys. I know she secretly really wanted one more, a girl. What if she was my surrogate and got pregnant with a girl? How could I steal her joy and take my baby away. Maybe if I hadn't moved and wasn't 1500 miles away from her I'd feel different. Maybe not. I don't know. Either way that's my story. That's my reasoning, and that's why I'll never give up trying to have one of my own. I never post to this stuff, but this blog has been so helpful for me. Thank you girls for sharing. I don't like spilling my personal stuff, but surprisingly I feel better now. These subjects have been weighing on me heavily for a long time, and it was nice to let them out. Thank you!
Fast forward 12 years later and my last uroflouro dynamics test and yearly kidney ultrasound, the urologist asked me when I was going to start having kids because you can ya know. I was ecstatic! My prayers had been answered! A doctor told me I could have kids! This should have followed after my first post, but my phone is being dumb and won't let me fix it. So I left it as my last comment. I hope it makes sense.
Thank you so much Jenn for sharing your story! Because infertility is such an overwhelming part of our lives it is hard to share it with family, let alone complete strangers. Consider us 'sisters in infertility'. I myself had never revealed such intimate details of my story until Nan and I started talking about it. And you're right! It does make you feel better to at least get it out there. I am so very sorry that you are part of the 'club'. The most horrible thing for a woman that is infertile is knowing that there are so many children out there that are abused, thrown in garbage cans, and aborted. We would give anything to take those babies and love them as our own. The processes required to do an insemination are very costly and so is adoption. Should it cost that much?? Did you find it difficult to be a nanny knowing deep down that you could not have your own? Again, thanks so much Jenn for sharing your story, it means a lot and really does help us as well!!!!
Paula,
It was more freeing to share this than upsetting, but again I don't know if I'm infertile yet. I'll know more in 3 months when I go to the doctor. As for being a nanny and not having my own children yet, I still have hope, no it's not difficult.I love it and would do it again until the day I die. I love children and hope they will in some way always be a part of my life. Until then, I have my faith and hope that one day God will answer my prayers. Thanks.
Jenn,
I didnt realize who you were until Nan pointed it out to me, lol. I pray that you are NOT infertile!! It's dreadfully upsetting. Have you tried yet to conceive? I love children too and have been surrounded by them my entire life. My nieces and nephews always wanted to come stay at my house because I was the 'cool' aunt. I would let them have a soda, let them stay up all night, etc, lol. They are all grown now and I have Danielle. I cringe at the thought of her growing up and leaving! I am so glad that you are getting checked. Keep us informed. Much love!
Paula,
Heehee I thought you knew it was me, but that's ok. And yes, Matt and I went through the Natural Family Planning Classes after we got married. So we've been trying since September and practicing NFP since October I believe. Still every month my dreaded period comes, but I'm thankful I still have it. At least I have hope that part of biology is consistent and on time every month lol. So we'll see. Last month's PMS was really bad. I got so frustrated I tore up my NFP charts, but only in quarters so I can can redo the charts and give them to the doctor in July.
Ugh! I wish you the best, Jenn and will be praying for you and Matt. You would make amazing parents! <3
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